I hate....

Anonymous comments....

The least you could do is let me know who you are....

Ya know....

....I have forgotten what a "First Kiss" feels like?

If I knew then what I know now....

I wish I could go back just two years... Maybe three....

Oh how I would do things differently....

I am not who I thought I would be in two years time...

I need to focus more on what I want... Less on what I think I want.

I have an idea...  Yep... Me an idea....

I am done with so many things and am going to start doing so many other different things...

SO ambiguous and self-righteous.

Max Bemis and the Painful Splits have opened the door... I am walking through it.. If it closes again I am gonna kick the bitch down.

I used to have a heart.

 -Say Anything (Max Bemis)


I used to have a heart worth a billion bucks
Now it's shitty, shoddy cheap
Sell it in my sleep for the fakes to eat
While they kiss my ass and tell me what I need:
Sex fiends with a vacant dream, a tattoo of a soul
And the words you said, still ringing in my head
Wonder where the love they stole is hiding

All I want to do is be mended by you
I don't want to be confused, I just want to find you
All I want to kill is that which keeps me ill
Underwhelmed and unfulfilled

They're in denial of the knowledge
That they're living in a lame excuse
They're in denial of what you are to me:
My heart, my love, my guide
It's not alright with me, the love I lack, I need, I want you back
The circle torn apart, I used to have a heart

I used to know a girl with the deepest trust
That a man could ever know
I broke her neck with the lack of respect
I learned as an embryo on the west coast
Where the dead paint hollywood red
The facade is well-fed with the blood of the capulets
Spread like jelly on bread across the doors of the first-borns
Weaned from birth on meds

All I want to say is this could be ok
I don't want to be a slave, I just want to spend my days
Wondering through the haze, your voice to lead the way

I can finally go and say:
There you are in front of me, luminescent as you used to be
Just sing the saddest song for me, revive me

Well then...

I guess I better update my "goddamn blog".
So here is your update.

I have really just been trying to keep myself from going insane. 

The only big thing that has happened as of yet is that I now am employed!  Yay me!

I will be working at a convenience store type of place.

Back to the ol' $8.00 an hour.
I just went through training this week and actually start on Sunday bright and early.

Other than that I have just spend my time watching Doctor Who.
I really didn't like it for the first two episodes, but after that I became really emotionally invested in the characters.
Seasons 1 - 4 were absolutely brilliant... I am not so fond of season five and it's Doctor...  There is no emotional investment there at all.

Watching Torchwood now - which is a thing derived from Doctor Who.  Really cool tie in....

I am trying to figure out what I am doing with my life.  Step one was getting a job... Okay that is done.. I have a job.

Now what?

Where am I going?  When am I going there?

The latest discussions have now been having me in the role of a student going to school to get a teaching degree...

SO yes - as of right now CamBam is going to be a teacher in a few years.  How exciting is that?  We know how I am though - I am never happy with where I am or what I am doing.

BTW - I had to drop out of DeVry because I have no money to pay for what my financial aid doesn't cover...

This is going to sound racist but it really isn't....

I have so many friends (mainly mexican and black) that got the same grades I did, took the same classes pretty much that I did, and went to the same level of university that I was going to who got 5K more a year that I do with financial aid. WTF is up with that?

Damn you white people!  If you would have picked your own damn fruit and cotton I could be going to school still!!


So I will sit and sip my Trader Joe's Irish Breakfast Tea (AMAZING), play my crappy little songs on my beautiful blue guitar named Luna, play Mortal Kombat, go to work, and watch Torchwood until I figure out the next step in life.

I have tried to take things wayy to fast, and that has in reality put me behind the pack.
In the next few weeks I should have a solid plan built for myself.... I just have a bit of research to do.

Believe me - you will be the first one I tell when something happens.

This is CamBam - signing off for now.

Its the same old things that get me everytime.

So the past few days - hell the past week has been complete crap...

I have done nothing but hop buses and job search all over Yucca Valley, CA.

I have had two interviews and a third on the way.
Wal Mart and the Marine Base....

I really don't know which job I would take over the other because they all have drawbacks, but hey - it is better than the job I have now.


I have been listening to a lot of The Paper Raincoat.  They are this amazing band that I saw live in San Diego a couple years ago.

They have gotten me through some tough moments.

I have been feeling really weird lately though...

I have been having so many dreams about two people...

Amanda Palmer:

And someone from my past that I will not name because I am sure they do not want me to...

It are the dreams such as these that really make me feel like I missed a step going down the path of life.  I happened upon a great chance and then kinda let it float down the creek onto someone else.

I wanted to say so much.. Like tell you about Seductive Steve, but now I just don't feel like writing.
You can listen to the song about Seductive Steve that Courtney and I wrote here.

Oh and if Amanda Palmer reads this - I love you and come home to me. ;)

Pieces of love - CamBam

There is beauty in the suffering...

Dolere Dulcis Est

So humanity sickens me sometimes.

This is going to be a short blog about the retelling of a very unfortunate event that happened yesterday.

Yesterday I spent a good five hours walking around the town of Yucca Valley checking back in with places about jobs and such.
Well I had just gotten out of Pizza Hut and was really feeling discouraged. I usually walk with only one earphone in, but this time I felt like crap so I was gonna be the kid that walks around with his music blaring in both ears... Just before i place the second ear phone in my ear I hear a cry for help.  So I was like - Holy crap - What was that?

So I spend a couple seconds looking around and I can't tell where it had come from. I walk around this car and there is this little old lady a couple spaces away on the ground in agony.  I run over to her and crouch down beside her... I couldn't really get a coherent response out of her due to how much pain she was in - so I pull out my cell phone and call 911.  The lady on the phone asks me where I am - so I respond "I am at the Pizza Hut in Yucca Valley off of Twentynine Palms Hwy."  I then tell her that a lady is hurt, unable to move, and in terrible pain.  She then asks for cross streets... Really?  I am at effing Pizza Hut on Twentynine Palms Hwy in Yucca Valley.. There is not another Pizza Hut anywhere near there!

So what does the idiot do?  She transfers me to the sheriff's office so they can look up where I am.  It takes the cop two seconds to figure out where I am.... The cop then puts me on hold... A 911 call on hold!  and transfers me back to the idiot 911 operator.   She then tells me that she received the address from the police and that an ambulance would be there in five to ten minutes. 
She then tells me not to move the woman and such and then asks if I need her help with anything else.  After I say no she hangs up...

So here I am in front of Pizza Hut trying to comfort this woman who seems to have either broken her hip or her leg.  Some people that have sense gathered around us point out that there is a fire truck outside of a store across the parking lot.  Just when someone is about to run over and get them they come out talking on their radios.  So I think - sweet they got the call and now we don't have to wait for the ambulance to get here for this lady to get some help...  They wait for their buddy to finish getting groceries before coming over to us...  When they do get to us - the fire fighter in the back points to the old lady on the ground, says something, and starts to laugh.. Really?!  Are you kidding me?  How sick of a human being do you have to be??

So they lolly-gag out of the fire truck taking their sweet time getting their gear out.  Then one guy just starts poking and prodding the woman while whistling "I've been working on the railroad".

Seriously... Why are you in a career where you are supposed to help people when it is obvious you don't give a damn about anything but that damn pension you are promised? 

There are so many details I have left out just due to absolute anger...

Those Who Make a Noise in This World are Often to Blame....

It would seem that day in and day out I have adopted the exact same pattern...

1. Wake up at 7:30 to 9 AM
2.  Check all my social pages... Facebook, e-mail, school, etc
3. Eat something
4. Play some sort of video game or play guitar
5. Apply to / call about jobs that I am not getting
6. Play more video games or guitar
7. Schoolwork
8. Stop playing video games around 11:30
9. Lay in bed until sleep finally finds me - (usually around 2:30 AM)

I continue to mark the days off of my calendar, but there is very little that changes from one day to the next.

I have been listening to a lot of Circa Survive (Thanks to my friend Tyler) and Say Anything.

I think that everyone and their mom should listen to this song before they decide to do anything life changing:

Good stuff right?

This song is about one of my favorite movies ever - Eternal Sunshine on a Spotless Mind.

I have become so stagnant - I hate it, but there is nothing really I can do about it.
I don't have a job, a car, or any friends that live close or have time for me.

I am in such a digital hermit cave....

It isn't all bad though... I mean it gives me a lot of time to think.

True is - you are not who I thought you were...

I hate the black wool that you have pulled over your eyes.  You need to grow up in a sense that you need to start taking risks.  Get out of that little bubble and stop bringing everyone down.

I've got these tired eyes all the time...

This state of mind is doing wonders for my concept album / musical though...
So dreary and upsetting...

I wish I had more to tell you, but I am taking it day by day at face value.

I miss her...

She doesn't miss me...

I am better off being me and not changing...

I wish I did drugs sometimes.. I mean being high would make things so much better.. ha ha...

Too bad my step mom already thinks I get tanked every chance I get.

I can't wait to write you that song...

/endramblings

I hope you are having an amazing day.

Go live the life you will be proud of.

"Too bad. Lets dance."

So I have decided that I should post something besides my normal dribble.
So I am going to do a game review of sorts.  I mean I love me some video games....  I promise this will not become a regular thing... Cause to be honest I don't have money for video games.

So today I will be talking about The Witcher: Enhanced Edition.  This game is a little dated, but it is still very worth your hard earned $20. Just be sure you have a nice PC... This game is beautiful and should only be played where it can be shown off.

So you don't have to listen to me ramble about it... Watch the opening cinematic. Seriously this is the first thing you see when you start playing the game.  No menu or nothing - just straight to this:

Yeah...  You know this is gonna be good.

So far I have only played the game for seven hours.  Which landed me near the middle of chapter 2 out of 8.  Not to mention all the extra stuff the enhanced edition comes with...

You play as a witcher named Geralt of Rivia.  Geralt is not your normal fantasy hero.  Geralt is a badass; he knows he is a badass, and everyone that crosses him knows he is a badass.  It seems that any time a peasant needs something done Geralt also asks for money in return for the good deed.  Witchers don't work for free, ya dig?

Now the basic points on the game...:

Graphics: 8/10
The graphics in this game are absolutely amazing.  While there are some collision flaws like grass poking through the bottom of wagons or the hilt of a sword passing through peoples arms as they move around to talk, but overall the game is beautiful.

The only real issue I have with the graphics in this game are the clunky models of the denizens of the world.  Everyone seems to rigid and robotic. The only time a model flows really well is during combat.  Each character only displays one emotion on their face, and that emotion is the one that most fits the character.  Geralt is stern, the other witchers are either angry or dopey, and the dwarves are all drunk off their ass.
The world around you, however, is beautifully rendered.  The world is dark and dreary, and there are reminders there around every turn. 



Playability: 7/10
The game plays very well from the very beginning.  While combat is a little clunky; due to the fact that your combat is controlled by clicking once over and over in a certain pattern and three buttons on the keyboard to switch between witcher stances.  The camera is positioned at a very good place and lets you see almost fully around Geralt at all times.  I found myself getting used to everything from leveling up to combat rather quickly.  The way you level up is very similar to Oblivion in that you must find a place to meditate in order to receive your leveling bonuses or brew any potions you might want to brew.  Just a note:  Learn to love alchemy. The game is very user friendly in the way of its menus.  You can track quests, read character bios, and sort through your inventory rather easily.

The only problem I have run into regarding playability is on difficulty spike near the end of chapter 1.  I was playing the game and everything was easy.  I never dropped below half health, and then came a fight with the main boss of the region.  I died at least seven times before finally slaying the beast.  Note:  I don't play on easy mode, you scrub. (Ha - thanks Ryan.)

Story and Lore: 9/10
The story and the way lore is handled in this game is amazing!  I was drawn in very early on by the wonderful voice acting that seems to fill game.  Every dialouge choice you make as Geralt is then said by Geralt in his gravely voice verbatim. 
Did you know that Geralt died once?  Who brought him back?  I don't even know yet...
The story is also very choice driven.  There were many hints that let me know had I made a different choice earlier in the game something different would be happening to me.  This leads to this game being very re-playable after the first playthrough.  Every single choice I make affects me in some way.  Oh you wanna give those homeless elves weapons, medicine, and food cause they need it and you are a nice guy?  -Ohp look at that!  They killed a major player of a quest you now have to find a different way to finish.  <- Yes that really happened.. Nice guys do apparently finish last.

Well that is all I have for now...

Average score: 8/10
I would highly recommend this game if you are a fan of long story driven RPGs.
Though I am not even half way through - I can tell this is gonna be one awesome title to play through.

There the game review is over... You can go back to your normally scheduled CamBamLand program later in the week.

Genius much?

So yeah.. I have always looked up to Amanda Palmer as an artist... She had to take it one step further and write this.

I want to be her best friend.

I also want to start a cabaret punk band... We'll see how that goes lol.
I just need to get myself a keyboard..... Maybe a synth...

So if any of you have a keyboard laying around that you aren't using....

This song.

Listen to the lyrics...

Yeah....

I wanna be this guy.

Oh such inspiration!

This video / song have struck me so suddenly with thoughts that I can't rightly put down into words.
I am not that huge of a fan of Panic! at the Disco...  I love their first album, but ever since then they have gotten more and more iffy...

This song however...
I have been wanting to write a concept album for a while now.. I finally have everything I need to accomplish this task.

While I am not the greatest writer in the world, I know I have friends that would be more than happy to help me out.
Eddie will be my biggest aid in this I can already tell.

Just listen to the lyrics.

So here it is...

Think of it.. It is a village separated from all other time and space.  It is one in and of itself.  No one in the village has ever been outside it's walls. 
Then two lovers...
Katilette and Cadman.

Of course love is at the root of the uproar.

It will be a very Whisper House -ish episodic story driven from song to song.  Almost musical like.
I am leaning towards trying to make a short film out of it.

I think ten tracks from start to finish will tell the story I want to.
I know this will take years, but years is something I have.

To steam punk or not to steam punk?

All I know is that I hate sitting in one spot for too long..
I am ready to get out of here...
I don't belong here...

I am $1600 away from being where I think I belong...

How tragic...

There's nothing wrong with just a taste of what you paid for...

Yeah - some call it love...

Sorry, but I just had to post this because... well yeah...

 

Is she beautiful or what?

Ha ha - Kayla can't be mad because I got the picture from her. ;)

The one with the most toys still dies in the end.

Everything is moving in slow motion.
There are so many things that are so uncertain.
What does the next two months have in store for me? - What lies at the end of those two months?
Where will I be in the next five months?  What progress will I have made towards anything?

I am trying so hard to record my music, but I just can't seem to get the hang of the program I am using...
Everything I do sounds terrible compared to how it could sound...

One day I am everything - the next I am nothing.
One day I am so full of emotion and glee that I could burst... The very next second.. I'm talking 12:00:01 AM - I am an empty shell.

The Decemberists are a great coping mechanism.

Silverstein seems to understand what I want to say but can't.

Milo O'Milo is me unfiltered.

Milo O'Milo needs so much work.

I mapped out the finances... I have done the research...

I need $2,250.00 in order to accomplish what I need to do.

That is supposed to happen in less than seven weeks...

Seven weeks with no job...

I am trying to take the road less traveled, but that shit is hard, man!

What the hell does Robert Frost have that I don't? - Besides talent, okay, you assholes who leave anon. comments.

I am hopeful that everything will work out.  There is just a lot that needs to happen on my end.

My dad sure knows how to pick 'em.

I hated the smell of fakeness every morning that I woke up.

That woman knows nothing about me; hell, my own mother and father know so little about who I have become.

I am going places.  I am going to make something of myself, and the only one responsible for that is myself.  Yes I have people there and here to help me out and I couldn't do half of what I do without them, but in the end it was me who made it happen.



You wait and see...  You are gonna see this name one day.  You will remember it.

I love you - you know I do.

Lets all go down together, shall we?

I am really something.

I write very catchy songs.

I am working on being a better me.

I am lucky in so many ways.

I can play guitar better than a lot of people that pick it up.

I still have so much to learn both in my art of choice and in the ways of life.

I am centered upon no one or anything.

The only thing really left to do it to find a source of income and let the winds of change either take me deeper down the rabbit hole or push me elsewhere...

I have a fate, and I will meet it head on because I have you.

I am an idiot...

...Did I really just upset the one thing that makes things alright?

I really don't understand what just happened...

I just said that things are better then they have been in a while..

I am on my way to being who I want to be with whom I want to be...

Yet words are twisted and taken the wrong way...

Here we are...

I'm not getting any sleep tonight.

We go a drowning....

It is stupid how things affect me sometimes.

It is like I am the only person left in the world that gives a damn about everyone else no matter who they are.
When is the last time you made a choice that had no benefit towards yourself at all?
Something so selfless; God himself would feel embarrassed to stand next to you.

I only use the term "God" here because it is what most people relate to the ultimate good and justice.

I hate having a heart.
How the hell can I go on like nothing is wrong when the universe is screaming the opposite around me?
The house I live in is still standing...

So what? I am not the only one she fancies... Big surprise there.

I have nothing yet everything.

I hope it was quick... I hope it all ended in the blink of an eye.

Anguish is a damn strong word.
I don't know the true meaning of anguish.

I have lived through some hard times, but I am pampered compared to so many.

One song won't change anything...

Sleep won't find me this night.

My mind is weighed upon so heavily for no reason at all.

I am not sure what it is, but the past couple days I have just felt so sick to my stomach emotionally.  I hate looking in the mirror.  I hate the sound of her voice.  I hate how my mind and heart misbehave and disagree.

What am I doing with my life?

I want to help people... I want to write a song that takes the noose from around a neck...
I want to recite a monologue that brings someone to tears.
I want to save a life if only to trade my own.

I want to be immortal.

I want to be that one person that they are able to tell anything and everything to.

I love honesty yet ignorance is such bliss sometimes.

I have started thinking very strongly about where my life is going, and I really don't have much in mind at this moment in time.

There are many things I would love to say to you, but frankly, Dear, you are too weak to take it.

Have I ever done anything for you?

Tell me please - when was the last time I made you really smile?

You aren't worth it.
She however, is worth anything.
He however, is so lost it isn't even amusing anymore.

Your coffin or mine?

Oh yeah never mind... It is his...  Everything is his..

You see!  This is why we can't have nice things!

I wonder what it is like to be buried alive...  I bet it feels a lot like having your heart broken... No hope in sight or air in your lungs.

I want to break free.

i shvant tue breck freh.

Daylight savings... Psh...

I have so many memories tied to so many songs that I can't even listen to some of my favorite songs without hating myself.

It is over....

You are not who I thought you were are you?
There are so many people that think this is about them...

To be honest you have no idea what I am trying to say.

Hint - this was all about me.  Or was it?

Isn't everything about me?  Doesn't the universe revolve around Michael Cameron Kilby?

Ambition is a fickle bitch.

Today was one of those eye opening days.
I spent the morning completely content just to exist and accomplish nothing all day long.
This, however, was not the plan fate had allotted.

I was greeted mid-day by my dear friend and ex girlfriend Adrianne.  She rang my doorbell.  When I greeted her I could tell something wasn't right.  It wasn't long until there were tears in her eyes and she told me everything that was going on.

One of the biggest thoughts in my head during the entire thing was, "What will Kayla think." Ha...

I spent the rest of the daylight talking to her and I walked her home.

There were so many things said that made so many things so clear for me.

There were also things said that made things even more confusing.

There is something special there though... Most people say guys and girls can't be friends without something sexual in nature happening, but that was disproved today.
Adrianne and I were perfectly fine with just talking... Trusting each other without expecting anything from one another but an ear and an honest opinion.
She has turned out to be one of my best friends.  Perhaps even as close to me as I think that Niel is.

It is so nice to be able to just lay things out with someone - something I have not been able to do lately with the band being so out of touch and no one really to sit with me face to face...
The phone is so impersonal and texts can be horrendously misleading or misjudged.

Kayla is never far from my mind, but there is not a lot I can do about that right now.
I can just sit, wait, and hope.

North Carolina is calling, but California is weeping.

So many things going on while nothing at all seems to be going on.

This is really such a neutral post... Nothing depressing like normal and nothing too awfully cheery and corny.

Though that Kayla Call chick.. Oh man she is hawt-hot-hawt-hot-hot. :)

The song a day is still happening and I couldn't be having a better time with it... I have never felt so artistically empowered.

I hope you all are having wonderful days and weeks.

I wish you all the best.

-Cam

The poison I have placed in others' cups...

...will soon find its way to my own.

I deleted the first half of this blog. A closure long over due.

I am ready for better.

I am going to be better.

I love what I believe to be my future.

SO here is to you and all your conquests.

Live the life that you know you will be proud of!

Really? -Don't read this.-

I am not even worth knowing the meaning of something that small?

Wow...  I had such a different idea as to where I stand it made my head spin and my heart sink.

Yet I am not mad.

I am actually upset at myself for being so upset and selfish.

It makes me want to be a better person - I should just be able to let go of the hurt in my chest and focus on the brighter things....  Kinda hard when brighter things are dimming themselves.

So many things should have happened today that didn't.
I could make a list, but is that really worth my time?

I have got to get out of here...
I have got to get home - wherever the hell that is.

Oh well... I would deliver you the moon on a string and you know it.

Just had to vent.  Today wasn't a great day at all...  SO many little things from so many different sources adding up.

I am glad she had such a good day though.  I like knowing she is happy.
She has a good friend I believe.
She'll be fine after I am gone.
He'll be fine too...

Thanks CamBamLand....
Must be a nice place to be.... Within the circle....

My foot is always in my mouth.

I say wayy too much.

I don't give way from breaks or intermissions.

I smother.

I hate it.

I can't help it if i enjoy the idea of pouring honey potions in certain hears that I like to think make them wake up in the morning screaming, Love!

I believe that if I get my mouth under control I can be truly happy.

They say no one can love you until you love yourself.

I have a bit to go yet.

I need a tattoo idea... I know I want it to be music related....

Time to go enjoy bad ideas and horrible one liners.

I used to be smooth.

Now I fumble over words.

In the blink of an eye....

There is this moment...
Not everyone gets to experience it.  If you open your eyes too quickly then it is as if it never even happened.
If you breathe too loudly- it goes away swiftly.
If a noise breaks the silence that exists in the cold darkness - you forget all about it.
It is the thing that happens when your child is born....
When you fall in love...
That first kiss sitting on an ordinary sofa...
When you accomplish a dream or watch as the one closest to you accomplishes theirs.
People spend their whole lives living for this moment.
Where light and dark are one in the same - where the is nothing but loud silence.
The chemicals in your brain stop their ongoing war just long enough for you to feel the most euphoric bliss.

I read that it only takes one and a half minutes to an hour to fall in love.

I have learned that you will love more than once.

I have seen how scary everything can be when you go into it all unprepared.

I have witnessed lives being made and ruined in the matter of minutes.

I believe in never regretting, but this makes me a hypocrite because I regret so many things.

I have my entire life ahead of me - yet I have lived for so long.

You have to find that golden record that contains their voice....
Their blue eyes will make your stomach churn...
Their smile will make your head swim...

I am so tired of anonymous comments...
Let me connect with you.

I am still going strong with the song a day thing... Some are better than others, but they all come from the same place - same muse.

Find your muse and live your life with it.  Love it, hate it, embrace it, push it away...

Honestly, surely, loyally, unequivocally, consequentially....

I have had my breath taken away within the last twenty-four hours.
Have you?

Always make yourself happy, but never leave those that make you happy behind.
People will come in and out of your life...
A select few, however, will never leave and will always be there.
Love them for it - cause they love you.

Don't give away your love too cheaply.

You are worth so much more than you can fathom.

Thus ends another chapter in CamBamLand.

Where one door closes- another opens.  All you have to do is walk through.

Call it off.

I can't help but feel that so many things in my life have become one sided.
I spend all my time thinking, but how often am I thought of?
I spend my time doing, but how often are things done?
I waste so much energy worrying. Why?  Life is wayy too short to worry as much as I do.

My days aren't going to get any shorter any time soon.
I've got to get it in my head that this is the way things are going to be for a while.  I hope so much that this isn't how they plan on staying.

The first thing I think about when I wake up and the last thing I think about when I go to sleep.

Is that healthy?  Why in the hell should it matter.

Communication is the biggest key in all of this and I feel like I just don't know how to communicate any more or for that matter in the right fashion.

I am far too intelligent to feel this stupid.


I have decided to try and write a song a day.  They won't all be full songs, but they will be something.  I believe I will do it for 30 days and see how it goes from there.  After that I will start working on a concept album.  A story too often told and never really fully realized. 
This is day two, and I feel confident in my ability to see this project through to the end.

How can something make me so extremely happy and yet tear me to pieces?
It is like a song that I hear and love for so long, and then one day it is just not the same.

Vague instances of words where you reading this have no idea what I am talking about and can only assume.

     I've got so many bad thoughts in my head
     My heart before has only been mislead
     I'm not too sure where I'll end up
     All I know is that I want your love

      So don't cry today
      This will never fade away

     I've got too many sad thoughts in my mouth
     I was hoping you could come and kiss them out
     I'm not too sure what I'll do now
     All I know is how to sing it loud

      So don't cry today
      This will never fade away

        The cold will come and the warm won't stay
        But seven years or even three months is too long to stay away

      So don't cry today
      This will never fade away

What does it feel like to be in a car crash?

I mean I have been in a car wreck before, but never a car crash.

They say all good things come to an end.  How true is this?


I'll tell you what - the waiting is the worst.

Hey - forget everything you just read.

Sunsets on / Western Skies.

Was there any one waiting for me at baggage claim?
Did peoples' faces light up when I started walking down the stairs?

Only good thing about this is the inspiration.  I have thought of a thousand different lines and ryhmes in my head.

I hate confrontation - hate even more giving bad news.

I however do love a lot of things.

I however do hate a lot of things.

I however do love a lot of...

2,315 miles.

How many dreams and aspirations are given up every day?

How many dreams and aspirations are born every day?

There is a fire burning somewhere soft and slow,
however bright and close to home.

Heart shaped candies only last for so long.

A wise man once told me; "Never have anything in your life that you can't walk away from in a second..."
There is nothing else but family - everyone else is just strangers.

Not yet family, but soon to be... Maybe, hopefully, undoubtedly, amazingly, consequentially....

Time is the one thing that will not wait, cannot be replaced, and leads to regrets.

Thoughts aren't thoughts but projections of all the little things in life that you can't live without or drive you crazy.

Time doesn't wait and you can't get it back.

There are so many things that we come across every day that we wish we hadn't.

There are so many choices we must make that we wish someone else would do for us.

It is almost time for me to return to California and there are things that tear me up inside.

Four-ish days left.

Three-ish huge choices to make.

Two-ish people that mean the world to me.

One person has to decide everything.

How do you truly know that the choice you just made was in fact for the greater good and effects everyone in  a positive way?
Why can't there be just one thing that sticks out as true and every thing else is false?

I don't eat meat - so my body is cleaner than most...
I read at least a little every day to try and help myself stay sharp mentally.
I try to go out of my way for people in their times of need.
I try to do any good deed that comes along.
I am selfish in so many ways.
I want people to think the way I think.
I love too much and start to care even less.
I need to be in two places at once to truly be happy.
I am a great performer, but a horrible singer.
I write catchy songs, but can never fully finish them on my own.
I love you and you don't even know it.

I feel like I need to have a really long talk with someone that I don't know.  Just find a stranger on a bus or something that asks me how I am doing.  I'll start this long winded conversation and they will listen intently while giving their insight every now and then.

He is one of the smartest people I know.
She is a rose among a multitude of thorns.
He needs me.
She will love me no matter what I do.
He doesn't really know where he stands in life.
She is the tops.

I know this is more horrible rambling - even more so than most of my more depressing posts.

I just needed to post and give you an update - though an update this was not.

I will spend the night at my grandmother's tonight.  Then spend Friday with Kayla.
On Saturday my father has decided to have a get together at his house with a bunch of family and friends.
Sunday will most likely be spent hiking.
Monday I leave for Sunny-Dreary California.

Thus will close another chapter in CamBamLand.

Back to the roots.

Where here I am where it all began, North Carolina.
I am across country back in my home state for a while.  Seeing family I haven't seen in years.

I got a comment on a blog not to long ago on the "Continued misson of modernity" post.
I think it is funny.  It is like forced emo poetry that tries to tell me that I am a horrible spoiled person who shouldn't complain about life.
Ha.

I know I am doing that big bad anonymous person their justice by talking about it - and I am sure they are happy about being talked about.

This is a journal of sorts.  I mean yeah it is in the public domain, but yet I still treat this blog as my journal.
I feel that everyone needs to share their innermost feelings cause some can act like poison.
I just choose to share with anyone and everyone.
I am hoping there will be some sort of connection with someone out there through my forced emo ramblings.

So yes I do have empty complaints - yes I am over dramatic at times - yes I am an idiot when the time calls for it.

I love you for reading - I know you'll be back.

SO yeah...

I have quite a few plans for the next couple years or so.  I will let you in on it when the plans get further underway.

I hope you have an amazing week or so.  I will let you all know how my trip went later.

peace.
-CamBam

"I just want back into your head."

-Tegan and Sara...

I know - Tegan and Sara?  I don't know.. I just found one of their videos on Youtube yesterday and started listening to them.  Now I can't stop lol.

I think it is the overall feeling that I seem to carry me from the moment I sip that first bit of hipster coffee out of my parents expensive single cup coffee machine at six AM to the moment where I finally slip out of consciousness around three AM.  I just feel lost kinda...  I am not really sure what is up..
I think I just need to connect with friends again. 

I need to find a job - actually get something going where I am not bored to death all day and night.

Only so much can be done when you have nothing.

I need to get a job in order to buy a car; yet I need the car to drive around the places and even get to work (depending on where the job is).  I am fine taking a 45 minute walk to get to and from work, but over that is pushing it.  Anyone else just get deja vu?

Good thing about this new existence is the time I have to get songs done or started.
I spent pretty much all day yesterday just recording a song.  I even wrote the beginnings of another last night.
Going through one of those cliche artist moments where life sucks so it breeds excellent material.

I hope you are happy in what you are doing.  I wish you all the best.
Remember - never regret life; just make it what you want it to be.
That can be extremely hard sometimes, and you are bound to fail a few times, but keep it up.

I am living proof that screwing up doesn't kill you... Most of the time...

So with that - I wish you a wonderful day or night.
-CamBam

Slowly progressing while walking backwards.

So here I am... Day four of my newish life.
Back on the job market again.
I hate it.

Sad thing is - I applied to seven different jobs alone yesterday - I most likely won't hear back from them.
If you have been reading the blog since my stupid days a year and a half ago - you know that I hate job searching.

I hate going back and reading this blog. I sounded so dumb.  I said things that I would never say now.  I guess it is that breech of maturity that we all must endure before actually calling ourselves grown men or women. - Which makes me sad because there are a lot of people that just never grow up.

One major thing that I love about being back at my parents is being with my dog Pebbles again.  She never forgot me.:)

Thank you guys for all your feedback.  I didn't know so many people read this.  To check back every week?  Without even knowing me in person?  That is amazing.

I never thought of myself as a great writer, I don't believe that I have anything to say that other people haven't said much better.  Yet you choose to keep tabs on what I have to say... So anonymous - I thank you.


One draw back though - I don't play as much WoW while I am here...  I know that isn't a terrible thing, but I still have friends I like to talk to on there...

OH well..

Well here is hoping that I get a job soon - and here is hoping that we see each other again soon and I have something to say that you deem worth reading.

I might even post a video of one of my songs... Haven't decided yet..

Pieces of love,
CamBam

Different routes to the same place.

As I pack up my life in cardboard boxes I wonder; Is this what I am supposed to be doing?
I haven't had deja vu in a while now.  I was always told that deja vu was there to let you know that you were on the right path in life.

What am I to do now?

I am moving everything back into my parents house - back into their lives.
How long will I be there?  Who knows?

I have so many plans for the future yet I have started out with nothing but a series of stumbles.  I hit the ground running only to break both ankles three steps later.

I took risks and they just didn't pan out.

I am left in this apartment alone for one more night.

No more late nights.
No more parties.
No more drinking my self to sleep until I vomit everything I am back up the next morning.

I am such a fucking empty shell.

Maybe I will find some purpose going back to where I got my start.

And its true...

"... that we named our children after towns - that we've never been to."

Many things come to mind when I listen to music like Modest Mouse.
I love music that means something.  I love it when the person playing the song tears up or their voice cracks because they are putting so much into it.

I live each day yet I don't feel any older.
I have lived for years and years yet I don't feel any wiser.

There are so many things that I want to say to so many people but I can't.

There are so many things that i want to happen that never will.

There are so many things that happen every day that are just flat out miracles.

My last day of work at Ross is on Friday.  It is bittersweet.

I can't believe I am moving back into my parents house.  I am an embarrassment.

This blog kinda serves as a testement to my supposed-maturity and foolishness.

I am / was / maybe-still-am an idiot.

I am also very smart.

You've been there through all the ups and all the downs.

New song I am working on -

"Time well spent is time with you, and I want to go home.
But i've been knocked back to square one - and I've hated myself for so long.
Cause I thought that I could make it - yet I am bound to break it.
But you don't share my suffering - cause I am the one embarrassed."

Yeah joyous I know.

I think Inception is real.

Think about it.

They say that so many authors and playwrights predicted the future by having similar or identical events happen in their respective novels, poems, or plays.
I say that these things happened on a global scale through the sharing of the ideas from the literature unbeknowst to those reading / listening - and that is what caused the events to happen.

Makes more sense when you are not sober.

I don't believe there is any one person out there for me. I think there is a list of boys / girls out there for everyone. (Depending of course what you are in to.)

"Everyone's a building burning- with no one to put the fire out."

End

A continuted mission of modernity...

Ah - how life is spent doing so many things that are so mundane.  I spend half my day at the computer, some mornings at work, and the rest of the time thinking about what I could be doing on the computer.

I have started school back up so that is going well.  I am actually starting to get to the programming side of things.

I play a lot of World of Warcraft.  I think I play more WoW now than I ever have.  Not because I really like the game more - cause I have always loved WoW, and not because there is something important I am doing...
It is kinda sad to say, but it is cause the only real friends that I talk to are on WoW these days.

Everyone else is so busy or far away.

I mean I still have friends outside of WoW.
I have the band - Jon, Niel, and Eddie.
I have my roommates - Katie, Andrea, and Peter.
I have random people I don't see anymore but talk to on Facebook - Nick, Tyler, and Kayla.

On WoW though - I talk to these people everyday cause we all have this common thing that we love to do.
We each do it for different reasons, but we are all brought together at so many random moments.
There is Gadget - a.k.a Ryan / Mekro / Rak / Zed.
Andra - a.k.a. Lori / Lilyah / Zhain / Cin
Abisar - a.k.a Erin
Shelke - a.k.a Grim / Rave / Gilberto.

I guess I am just a sad excuse for a social person.

The funny thing is that I am very social - I love to go out - I love to play guitar and write music - I love the rain - I love the sounds of cars - I love animals - I love being vegetarian.

That was a random list of nothing yet everything - well almost to a certain extent.

What am I trying to say?

Was there ever really a beginning to this?  Or am I just trying to find that center that I once knew where everything made sense?

I think I am going to start blogging again.  Not like I haven't said that before, but I don't give a good god damn about what you think.

I love you, but I could care less.

I have been listening to a lot of Florence and the Machine lately.
Along with more Blink 182 - weird mix I know...

I need to play more music - hell I need to really work on getting my stuff recorded.  Finding out how to work the desktop recording outfit I got over the holidays.

Oh internet journal type blog that I have forsaken and come back to time and time again.

Thank you for your time and I bless you for your patience.

Here is to you-
Abi, Andra, Shelke, and Gadget.

And to you-
Girl I met on the bus the other day.

And to you-
roommates who I am about to say goodbye to for a while now.

And to you-
Jon, Niel, and Eddie - for being my best friends yet never really being around.  Which to say isn't anyone's fault.  Life has taken us apart yet kept us close enough to breath upon the ears with talk of music and future endeavors.

A song that I am writing -
Oh no, oh no - Hes got his gun to your head.
Oh no, Oh yes - he thinks you're better off dead.
Oh yes, oh yes - I'm sure that I could agree.
Oh yes, oh no - too bad this guy kills in threes.

Good night.
Even though no one is reading this.