I need....

...to blog more.

"It's the mission of modernity..."

Days are spent doing little.  Nights are spent doing even less.
Life is simple yet so complicated right now.  At a blind eye's glance things are falling in to place.  When you become more educated you realize that life is not life at all. 
It is hard to explain what I am trying to convey.  You have so much control over everything that happens.

There is no end...
Only more and more beginnings popping up and being shut out.

I am waiting for my job to start.  I really would like to start making some money to pay the bills with. - Not to mention that I need a new computer...
Online school is going to be fun... I am excited.  It will keep me in line and in check.

"Was this over before, before if it ever began?"

I wrote a new song - with a little help from Eddie - called "Cold Dark Knight".  You can check it out here.
Tell me what you think... It is a really rough cut of it that I did in one take.

I really need to focus more on my art...

I am going to call it that because I am a douche bag with little vocabulary to choose from....

It was good to have Niel and Eddie over this past weekend.  I miss those guys so much...

I need to find a new place to live by the end of July.  This will be fun.

So yeah.. That is my basic update. - Playing lots of WoW and writing stuff on guitar...

Pieces of love,
CamBam

Thangs are a'happenin'!

That is right my friends!
I have a job now!  I am so excited to start working.
I will be either a cashier or fitting room attendant at a new Ross that is opening up in Brea. I don't start working until the 8th of July, but hey I am employed now.

I just realized that in a couple months I will have more money - that I have earned that is...  Than I have EVER had before...
That is a wonderful feeling.

I also start classes at DeVry on the 5th of July.  Super excited for that.  I had orientation yesterday, and after seeing everything that I get just for going to DeVry and how awesome the online environment is- I can't freakin wait.

So now I just bide my time playing Red Dead Redemption - that my friend Omar made the mistake of letting me borrow - and WoW. :)

Still having money troubles right now - but that will soon be fixed.

I have noticed that I have become a fan of using "-" now.  lol I am not sure why.

I also noticed that sometimes I frame sentences with "lol".  A flaw of the computer age I guess.

I want to go to London.  That is where I am going to go after I graduate.  I will go to London for a week or two.  See the sites.  I might even stop by Scotland and Ireland just to get a look at my family's registry - to see if I can get at any of that royal treasury ;).
It will be a few years until I graduate so I have time to plan and save money.

I do, however, need a new computer.  I think that will be my first big purchase with my new job.  It will take me a few months to save, but I can do it.  I just can't go buy stuff like crazy.  I need to open a savings account.

I have a new/old addiction. Irish Breakfast Tea... This stuff is AMAZING!
Usually I would get "Twinnings", but I found some at Trader Joe's when my parents took me shopping - I got 80 tea bags for like five bucks.  80 tea bags!  Twinnings only gives you like 24 for five bucks.   Can we say deal?  Plus it is still amazingly delicious.  Put a couple of spoonfuls of sugar and a dash of milk and wow...

Pretty soon  you will come here to read my blogs and you will see a better and improved me.  You will notice changes in my writing and changes in the words I use.  My life is getting better.  I am improving on so many things.

I am starting to live that life that I can be proud of.  I feel as if I am in a good place in the world.
Sure there are lots of negative things that are bugging me, but you gotta just shrug it off and focus on the good.  I could be horribly depressed if I chose to be so, but I am not choosing to be so.
I am going to move forward with my head high and all my hopes and dreams in my pocket.  I will pull them out one by one and accomplish them all.

So get ready World!  You are going to need a good doctor when I am done with you! 

CamBam is coming, and there isn't a thing in this world that can hold him back any more!

My alter egos...

/startNERDpost
Here are my alter egos.  (Minus one I don't really play anymore)

There you go.. Now you know what I look like in WoW...

You know? That thing that you listen to to feel all better?

So here I am; at almost two AM with nothing to do.

Andrea and Katie are watching "Fame" in the living room.

The WoW servers are down for maintenance...

I have been wanting to write new songs but nothing ever comes out.  I am at a loss for a muse.

Will you be my muse?  kthx..

I need to post pictures of my alter egos...  I will get to that...  Maybe tomorrow...

The Postal Service is amazing when you are feeling "eh..".  I mean I feel like the words and sounds are just wondering through my body...

^^I just typed that entire sentence while looking at the ceiling fan... I didn't have one typo..^^

Interesting note..  The sentence I just wrote about my awesome typing skills had three typos in it alone...  of which I fixed...

Don't wake me I plan on sleeping in....

I am at a loss for what I am to do...  I still have no job.  I really don't think that life is fair...  I mean what have I done to deserve this horrible luck?  Why must Karma continue to feast upon my ass?

I want a pet...  I want my dog Pebbles to live with me...

I want to eat pop tarts again...  I feel too guilty these days...  Gelatin is crushed up animal parts people...

I want to do something with my life...

You just started thinking about what you are going to do with yours, huh?

You just lost....

What you ask?


.... The Game....

If you don't know; look it up!

Here you go: TA DUH!

I want to write a novel...  Like a western, but with fantasy stuff in it.. Cowboys in a world of swords and sorcery. 

Eddie needs to help me write it... I have it all in my head, but me and paper don't get along these days.

My days consist of job searching, cleaning (a little), playing WoW, and talking to Andrea and Katie...

I need more excitement.  I need money....

I wish money was not a thing that you needed...  I want a life....
...
...


I am not proud right now...

Well then...

I am not going to read over this and fix any typos or anything... - sorry.

-CamBam
 

Newfoundland Was There Before You Found It...

Hello internet,

I am going to try to get back into the regular posting habit.
I mean I gotta give you something to read.

Spent the weekend at my parents house.  Got here late Friday night and I will be returning to Fullerton in a few hours.  My parents and Jordan are at work and school, but I didn't want to leave crazy early--plus Andrea is still sweepins. 

My parents have this amazing Frappe Machine.  All you have to do is put in the coffee and water; then put in the ice with everything else you want in the blender.  Then touch one button and it mixes, brews, and blends into a fantastic beverage.

My new band is going well.  We have only had practice twice, but my roommate and I write stuff in our living room and what we have written is pretty bad ass.
I am actually working on another song for my solo project, Milo O'Milo, but who knows when that will be up.
I wouldn't mind seeing a No Name For New Year reunion... *wink, wink*

/startnerdtalk I have spent a lot of time lately on WoW.  I have found a great group of people to play with Horde side on Moon Guard.  I made a guild and it is going wonderfully.  I still play Alliance, but my friends on that side are usually busy and don't really do anything with me anymore....  Which is sad because they got me back into WoW...  Maybe things will turn around.

Check out my guild: HERE.
*NOTE:  It is a Role Playing guild so don't click the link if you are allergic to nerd talk or nerds in general.*
/endnerdtalk

I went job searching with Katie last Wednesday.  There were three or four places that were hiring a good number of people; so hopefully I will finally get a job!  Wouldn't that be great?!  I mean just the thought of having a job and being able to pay my bills excites me even more than Christmas morning did when I was a kid.  Plus the groceries!! Oh dear to be able to buy food again... 

I registered for classes on Friday.  I could only afford to take three--so I am only a part time student next semester.  I am excited because my very first semester at DeVry I will have a Game and Simulation Programming class; therefore, I will be working on a video game right off the bat!

I am glad that I finally picked the back up plan for my music career.  I just hope I am smart enough to get through it.

Take it back or take it back,
You got nothing to lose.
You've got one last chance to save yourself you, fool.
Take it back or take it back,
You got nothing to lose.
Do you really wanna follow suit, and die, under control.


^Chorus to my new band's first song.  It is catchy as hell lol.^


Well I hope that you all have a brilliant day.
Thank you for reading what is going on in my life.  I promise you it will get more interesting eventually. ;)

Pieces of love,
CamBam

Wishes seem to be a lot like dirty dishes.

Life is so frustrating most of the time.
I still am unemployed.  I don't expect that to change over night.  I am going to have to work at it, but eight months without a job? Really?  Are you trying to tell me something, Karma?

I think I am going to start a Vlog to go with these, but the lighting in my house is terrible in every room.  I will figure something out.

I like my new band.  While it is not exactly what I live to perform - it is still an outlet for my creative self.  I love music and being a part of it.  It is really something special.

Back on WoW.  New Horde guild on the Moon Guard Server... Working on getting the name changed, but the GM's are being pains.  Their job is hard, but do they have to make everything so difficult for everyone else?  Hit up my toon Drakwell if you want in.  Orcs, Trolls, and Tauren only.
Thanks Gadget!!

Now that the Nerd talk is over... lol

You ever wonder what people are doing when you are not around?  Like; do trees talk and dance when there are no humans around?  How would we answer that?  They can talk and know we left a hidden camera behind... Think about it.

You wash dishes, and then ten seconds later there are more to be washed.  It is like that give a man a fish thing.... sort of...
Your wish comes true, but then the next day you are wishing for something else.

Are human beings really ever pleased?  Just wondering.

I need a vacation from my vacation.  I do not like being home all the time.  I NEED to be employed... I am growing depressed and becoming crazy.

I get by free loading off of Andrea, but that is not what I want to be doing.  I feel horrible that I can not even pay my own rent.

My priorities are in order, but something holds me back and punishes me.  Why?

What I would give to be able to take Andrea out to a movie... To go grocery shopping...  To buy my own WoW time card...  To afford to eat out MAYBE ONCE a month?!

Sorry about the rant, but you can expect this until something turns around.

Thanks for listening; I have always got you....

Pieces of love,
CamBam

Music is the Food of Wellbeing.

Well, well, well...

Life is life and nothing seems to go exactly as planned.
I got accepted to DeVry University; where I will be attaining a degree for Game and Simulation Programming. 
This is something I want to do, and it will be a basis to raise a family on.

I have no money...  Nope... It seems that I am always short when it comes to bills and such.

Still don't have a job.  Job market sucks and nothing seems to pull through....

It is kinda bad when Del Taco and McDonald's won't even hire you...

I miss WoW.

I miss having financial stability.

I love the idea of my new band.

Going to try to add a PayPal donate button on this blog.  You could help me get through college!

I am not asking for anything, BUT I mean a dollar here and there is never a bad thing.  All of the birthdays you missed! Yeah you bet I am going to hold you to those! lol

I am thinking of starting another blog, but I just haven't decided what I want to do yet.  Should it be music related?
Video Game related?
Food related?

Yeah....

We will see!

Yes we will internets!!

ALSO.... going to start making some kind of Vlog or something to run along this blog.. Yeah!!

Lol I am so full of inspiration these days!

I'll get you guys something nice later... I promise!

Pieces of love,
CamBam

The Spill Canvas Has This Song......:

"The Tide"

And there's three, count 'em three
Children playing on the beach
They were eager to learn,
To be taught and to teach

There's Veronica
She's biting her lip
As she watches the waves turn white at the tip
And there's Vada
Radiating with joy
And luckily she still can't stand the sight of a boy
And lastly there's Dade
His hair dances in the wind
And he's wondering what love is
And why it has to end

And he can't understand
How everyone goes on breathing when true love ends
His mother whispers quietly...
Heaven's not a place that you go when you die
It's that moment in life when you actually feel alive
So live for the moment
And take this advice, live by every word
Love is just a hoax so forget anything that you have heard
And live for the moment now

And there's three, count 'em three
Children growing on the beach
They were eager to learn,
To be taught and to teach

There's Veronica
She's licking her lips
As she waits for her real, first passionate kiss
And there's Vada
Can't admit her jealousy
Of her sister Veronica, and how she's so pretty (and how she's so pretty)
Lastly there's Dade
Still sitting on the dock
Ponders his life, and he skips his rocks
And he wonders when his father will return
But he's not coming back

And he can't understand
How everyone goes on breathing when true love ends
His mother whispers quietly...
Heaven's not a place that you go when you die
It's that moment in life when you actually feel alive
So live for the moment
And take this advice, live by every word
Love is just a hoax so forget everything that you have heard (forget everything)

And there's three, count 'em three
Children missing from the beach
They were eager to learn,
To be taught and to teach

But the sad thing
Is that they never lived passed the age of fifteen
Due to neglect from their mother
Who was bed ridden by her ex-lover, their father
She didn't even notice, or pay much attention
As the tide came in and swept her three into the ocean
Now all her advice, it seems useless

No, heaven's not a place that you go when you die
It's that moment in life when you touch her and you feel alive
So live for the moment
And take this advice, live by every word
Love's completely real, so forget anything that you've heard
And live for the moment now

So long has it been.

I feel like I don't even know who ran this blog anymore.
I need to start posting again.

I have spent A LOT of time thinking recently.  Where I am, where I am going, who I want to be.

I have always been a huge believer in living the life you want to live and be proud of, but I can't seem to come up with the right resources to do any of that.

I stopped blogging because there was no one to read them that would understand my Fairycake and English Tea references...

No one that I wanted to write for.  Now that is gone, and I have decided to pick it all back up.

I miss many things.

I have so much more than I think I do.

I have talent.

I am loved by few.

I am disliked by many.

I have found something special.

Sometimes I feel like nothing really matters anymore.

I don't tell very many lies.

I only lie to those I love the most.

I protect people too much.

I am no longer afraid for myself.

I really hate nostalgia.

Good news though:  I am in a new band.  I am the singer / sometimes rhythm guitarist.  I am really glad I have that again.  I love performing and playing music.

I am still hoping to open a studio with my friend Niel once I graduate from school.

Milo O'Milo has taken a hiatus.  Don't know when that will pick back up.

Alan Wake should be a novel.. The story of that game is SO damn good.

I'll post more.. I promise...

Signed,

Newly found Cameron Kilby

The Here and Now

... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... Click?... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...

-CamBam

Breathing in without ever breathing out.

It seems that life has slown down tremendously.  I am not sure if time is actually moving forward or if I am stuck living the same day over and over.  Each day I wake up and then fall back asleep some time later.  Every day seems like wasted time with next to none personal endeavors taken on.

I've no money and that is just made worse by the fact that I have no job.  It is so extremely difficult to find any sort of work around here....  For you all who read this blog regularly, you know that I have pretty much been on the job search for a good seven months now.  That is just great.

I play video games in my spare time to help me forget how lax in excitement my life is.

I rearranged all of the furniture in my bed room today.  It took me around five hours to do.  I like it this way.  My room look neat and clean for once.  Yay greatest personal achievement in months is that I cleaned my room and optimized the location of the little amount of furniture I own. 

I haven't written a new song since the middle of January.  It is kind of sad to realize that you really are not meant to do what you've told yourself you are in love with for so long.  If I was meant to be a musician than I would be more driven to accomplish just that.  Yet I am so impatient and so quick to temper when it comes to the guitar.  Not to mention I sold my only amp power cord with my Bass half stack.  Now I am stuck with no amp to play with.... Fun fun fun...

I had to cancel both of my shows this month.. Even more reason to believe I have been living a lie.

At least I have friends.. Oh wait they all live hours away...
At least I am alive... with constant migraines and never eating full meals...
I complain a lot... I used to think I was strong...

Now I just sound plain Emo...

Started to make another blog, but then lost interest.  Oh well...

I really have nothing good to say to you because I really have not done or experience anything or worth lately.. I come back from Northern California and just feel out of place... I would go back in a heartbeat...

Hope you enjoyed my bitch session....

Duces...

Damn right.. I iz hood wit et.
-CamBam 

Think about this...

"Not until after his death was Shakespeare considered the greatest playwright and poet in the history of the English language."
-http://www.biographyshelf.com/william_shakespeare_biography.html

Wake Up, Gorgeous...

The live demo that was recorded at The Wire is now on my band myspace.  You can give it all a listen HERE!
I hope that you enjoy listening to it as much as I enjoyed performing it....

So I am sorry that I did not post by the end of the week.  I really didn't have access to the internet whenever I felt like writing... So yeah.. Not that anyone really reads these anyway... I mean no response whatsoever from the world at large.. The entire whole of the internet has forsaken me and left me alone.  I used to love getting your guys comments, but now I seem to have nothing witty worth saying for response.

Andrea Nicole McCarn... My new / old girlfriend.  That is right ladies and gentlemen.  I am again with Andrea.  Which is making my life a whole lot easier.  She really is an amazing person.  I couldn't ask for someone better to hold my hand as I am making my way into the real world as both a man and an artist.  Who knows to what end, but I am excited to see it all through...  She is also rather attractive :).....

 

(This is an old picture.. Her hair is now blue.)

Something actually kinda sad is that I have not sought to speak with Destiny at all... Last I heard she is moving back to Alabama... Oh well... I still care about her, but she is just not a good person... At all...

I also am selling live demos for $5.  If you would like one just let me know... We'll work something out.

Oh yeah in Geology again.... I don't like this class... It is so boring... Oh well.............
At least I don't have class tomorrow... I am going job hunting again... Yay me!

So that is that for today...
I hope you are living a life that you can be proud of!

Love ya!
-CamBam

Here we are once again...

I have found myself living a life that I am slowly becoming proud of.  I have spoken of that idea for quite a few different posts.

A lot has happened since you last read words I typed to format.  Of course that is the way it goes when I never post anything new for such a long amount of time.

I actually should be taking notes. I am in geology 101.  How fun... Every Monday and Wednesday from 1 PM to 2:15 PM, I find myself in this auditorium with around a hundred and fifty other kids.  It is not too hot or cold, but it is stadium seating and we are very close together.  I have been close to such parts of other people that I do not care to share the situations with you.  Just know that this is not my favorite part of the week.

I am out on the job search again.  I hate it so much.  It would be so much easier if there were just a place I could go to and they would let me know who was hiring and for what position.  I hate going door to door.  I feel like I am selling girl scout cookies, only it is my skills and experience... I mean; I would myself  prefer a box of Thin Mints.

My show at The Wire on the 24th went well.  I mean I could have done so much better, but such is life.  I will most likely be playing there again on the 21st of this month.  I also have a show coming up in San Dimas on the 27th.... Busy busy busy...

I was in Brentwood CA last weekend.  I met Andrea's mother and her friend Kayleigh.  They are such great people.  I wish I would have gotten the chance to spend more than a day and a half there.  I was supposed to get a new tattoo while I was there, but that sort of fell through.  I will get it next time.... Which will most likely be in March during spring break.  (The week of my birthday might I add..)

I have no internet at the house again.  I haven't decided if I am going to get it turned back on or just wait for something to come along.  I actually need it this semester.  All of my math homework is done online.  My critical thinking class requires me to print out a new assignment every week.  My geology class has weekly online quizes that I must take in a certain window of time.  You can imagine how difficult this can be when I have to go all the way to the school campus to find a free WiFi connection...  Lucky you guys, huh?

I am going to see Weatherbox this Thursday at The Wire.  They are actually pretty good.. The two songs that I have heard... It is more for Andrea than anything.  I am also picking up my live recording that was made on the 24th.  I will have it posted on my band Myspace this weekend.  I am going to my parents house for a day or two.  Just relax and such.

Oh OH OH!
I got a new guitar!  Her name is Cousette and she is beautiful!  I also got a new distortion pedal (the Digitech Grunge pedal) to go with her.  They make me feel like I can play electric guitar lol.  I could spend hours just with her, but recent events; such as Andrea and school, have prevented me from over doing it.  I am sure that the neighbors are happy that Andrea gets me to turn my amp down when I have the urge to try yet again to play "A Favor in House Atlantic" by Coheed and Cambria at eleven PM.  Oh but how I want to learn that song lol...

blah blah blah it's sideways...

A more artistic view::

 

She is an Ibanez ARX 320... Yeah be jealous.  I got her for $100.

OH... Go HERE and support a great cause!

Thanks for reading again! I try to post again before the week is out.

Peace and love!

-CamBam

Test Results...

Read me like an open book..

Basic Desire: to be loved
Basic Fear: of being unloved
World View: "People depend on my help. I am needed."
Childhood Origin: Ambivalent to father-figure.

Twos are generous and strive to be genuinely helpful to everyone. They are caring, but can also fall into people pleasing. Twos find their place by enlivening others with their appreciation and attention. They believe that others come first, but this can cause them to forget about their own needs and avoid their own problems. At their worst, twos fall apart from feeling selfish or feeling that they have harmed others. At their best, twos can take care of others without forgetting themselves.

warm, concerned, nurturing, and sensitive to other people's needs.
How to Get Along with Me
* Tell me that you appreciate me. Be specific.
* Share fun times with me.
* Take an interest in my problems, though I will probably try to focus on yours.
* Let me know that I am important and special to you.
* Be gentle if you decide to criticize me.

In Intimate Relationships
* Reassure me that I am intersting to you.
* Reassure me often that you love me.
* Tell me I'm attractive and that you're glad to be seen with me.

What I Like About Being a Two
* being able to relate easily to people and to make friends
* knowing what people need and being able to make their lives better
* being generous, caring, and warm
* being sensitive to and perceptive about others' feelings
* being enthusiastic and fun-loving, and having a good sense of humor

What's Hard About Being a Two
* not being able to say no
* having low self-esteem
* feeling drained from overdoing for others
* not doing things I really like to do for myself for fear of being selfish
* criticizing myself for not feeling as loving as I think I should
* being upset that others don't tune in to me as much as I tume in to them
* working so hard to be tactful and considerate that I suppress my real feelings

Twos as Children Often
* are very sensitive to disapproval and criticism
* try hard to please their parents by being helpful and understanding
* are outwardly compliant
* are popular or try to be popular with other children
* act coy, precocious, or dramatic in order to get attention
* are clowns and jokers (the more extroverted Twos), or quiet and shy (the more introverted Twos)

Twos as Parents
* are good listeners, love their children unconditionally, and are warm and encouraging (or suffer guilt if they aren't)
* are often playful with their children
* wonder: "Am I doing it right?" "Am I giving enough?" "Have I caused irreparable damage?"
* can become fiercely protective

COPYRIGHT:
Renee Baron & Elizabeth Wagele The Enneagram Made Easy Discover the 9 Types of People HarperSanFrancisco, 1994, 161 pages 9types.com

Rookie of the Year...

I just got done watching Fight Club with Kayla (more fondly known as Ms. Conquest :).).  I seriously love that movie.  Edward Norton is seriously one of the best actors to have ever been handed a script.  It makes me think of all the amazing actors out there that just do community theater and commercials because they don't have the chance to show anyone of importance what they can do...

Are people like candles without wicks?  The wicks burns down through the wax, something not as uncommon as you might think... The part of the wick which is supposed to be left out of the wax for you to burn is now buried at least a good three inches deep... Most people throw the candle out... Think about that...

I think it is funny how I can't hate anyone that I know personally... I really don't believe in hate.  The only people I can truly say I hate are people that I don't know.  People that inconvenience my troubled mind because they have a part in someones life that affected them in such a way I never could.

It rained all day... I wish the waters would have broken down the doorway...
I want to be surrounded by nothing but liquid.

Is it worse to drown or thirst to death?  I still can't decide which I would prefer.  Both suck... Both require something to do with liquid.

"When its all about trust... Its all about trust.."
Not sure anyone but Funeral For A Friend knows what I am thinking right now.. Ah how they make sense of a lot of things that you can't say in public...

What I hate most about all of this is that I can't listen to Silverstein any more.. Thanks...  I love that band...

Casually Dressed and Deep in Conversation... That is such a freaking brilliant album title...

So my financial aid has not come in.. If I don't get it soon then I don't get to pay rent.. Which means not only am I out of a home, but so is April and Kayla.  I know they just moved in, but like Becca.. I have formed a sense of protectiveness over them...

I try way too hard to please everyone else around me.  Kayla says I am way too nice for my own good...
Then again some people see me as the anti-christ.. I am an asshole apparently..

Where do I really fall?

I didn't fall asleep until 9 AM... I then proceeded to wake up at 2:30 PM... an hour or so after which all the furniture in my house was aptly taken....  This is fun in an newish empty kinda way...

My show is in less than a week now.  I am so scared yet so very very excited. 
After I get my check I have to go buy some Lucky Charms.. Apparently they are 'magically delicious'.  I could use some magic...

There is a certain irony to dying on your birthday.. I can't quite place it.. Even circles don't come that full round..

What kind of gift do you get someone who has everything?  Better yet, what do you get someone who has nothing at all? 

I have slipped into this sad existence of playing WoW all day and exchanging e-mails with a very interesting character...  I have developed a little crush to be honest..

I don't sleep at night...

I've had this pain in my stomach as if it was been stretched and torn from the inside.  It would move every day... It is gone now, but it lasted for three days... What the hell was that?  Why did it just leave me?  I mean they say pain makes you know you are still alive... I don't feel the pain any more.. Is that bad?  I mean I want to say that it is good.. but yeah....

So this was pretty much all rambling.... I don't really care..

If you have read this far it means you care.. Thank you.. I love you.. Whoever you are...

I am not talking like I wanna pick out curtains and be the father of your child.. But that love that you share with your best friend. 

A sad thought.. I would take a bullet for a complete stranger.. Who does that?  Who cares about the type of person that does that these days?  Isn't it all about who you know and what you can do for them?

I've got a lot of learning to do..............

"Just like the lady in the blue dress,
you've got cigarettes on your breath.
...

... I'll put a little sour in your sweet,
You've got so much fucking tongue in cheek."

Look at that.. Senses Fail made this my very first un-family-friendly blog post... Ooh darkness...

-CamBam

Sweet Teeth...

Proper "English" tea and chocolate chip cookes.
Pretty rainbow colored cake.

Thank you.  No seriously.. Thank you.

No one knows what the hell I am talking about...

I love that...

I have been floating by the last few days.  Nothing really spectacular going on.  I play guitar, watch movies with Kayla, talk about music to April, think, read, think more, eat way too much, walk around Fullerton, think, and check the mail exactly at 2:45 PM.

I need something.  Something random to shake things up.  I am already tired of this new existence.  I am already tired of school and the semester hasn't even started.  I hope that I get better grades this time around.  I know I will...

Isn't that supposed to help?  Saying you are sure of something?  Like words can make any difference in the world that Fate has made for you?  Can you turn the sands of time to your advantage?  Can you change what you are destined to do; how you are destined to fail / succeed? 
I say you can't.

You can't just float on, because then you won't be able to make something happen, but then again something is already supposed to happen.  Where is the fun in that?

People are so buckled down by their beliefs.  Who is actually living a life that they want to these days?

Who says that nothing is free?
Love should be free... I haven't met anyone else that thinks that though.

I think I need to write a book.   I don't know what about, but it needs to happen.

Sleep sounds nice.  I mean I am only going to wake up to check my e-mail...
Then it is on with the normal day to day way of things.

Every e-mail contains something new and fresh, something to brighten up the morning.  It is like I have a best friend, but we don't even know it.

That is nice...

Thanks for reading?  Or do you feel your time was wasted?

Well how will you ever know if you don't tune back in here; same bat time, same bat channel.

-CamBam

54 degrees

That is how cold it is outside right now. I just returned to my apartment after spending a solid three minutes in the pool.
I jumped in without testing the water. So little seems to move me at all these days. Nothing seems to phase me; there is no pain.
The water felt perfect as it made first contact with my skin and quickly rolled its way up and over the rest of my body. It felt like a welcome rinse of relaxation. My foot touched bottom and I pushed myself towards the top. As I rose; I realized that i could no longer feel the water around me. I could feel nothing but a tingling that ran from the ends of my toes to the tip of my nose. A million pin pricks were working back and forth across my arms and legs. My head arose out of the water, blind and wet, only to come to the conclusion that it was warm outside. In fact it was not warm at all. The difference of the fifty-four degree air and the water I was in was so dramatic. I couldn't feel my body. I wasn't sure if my legs were kicking to keep me afloat or if it was the sheer will power of that human instinct to live. All I know is that I was not drowning.
Which made me think of how it would be to drown. I already could not feel my mortal self. All that attached me to this world was my spiritual one.
Then Kayla jumped in behind me. I thought of who this girl was who was following my lead. How many people does she love. How many people love her. How many people do I love. How many people love me. How easy it would be to drown, but then I would never get to say goodbye. How easy it would be to stop kicking; seeing as I had no real legs in this freezing water. How harsh would that be to those that can truly say we share(d) love. How would that solve anything? How good would she feel knowing she finally ended it all? She would be so proud of herself wouldn't she? How many fake tears would it take to get someone else in her bed?

I guess Destiny always gets her way.

Except this time. There is no playing the victim this time. There is nothing you can do. I have become untouchable. I am over playing high school games. There is no tether ball in this court. I feel so immature yet I am thinking more clearly now than I ever have. I have seen the world's true face and it knows me. We call each other on first name basis. We share tea and stories. You can't know what the world is. You will most likely never know what the world is.


i am an avid watcher of Philip Defranco on YouTube. It turns out that this man is also an amazing writer. He has posted something recently that has turned on a switch in my big room of switches in my mind that I never even knew was there.
You need to read this. :

My ultimate question with life is, “Is life written in pen or pencil”?

One would say life is written in pen, because what is done will always have been. It’s not erasable. I mean you can cover it with white-out, but anyone who cares enough will notice. You can write over it, but thats just brutish and messy. And keep in mind you can’t just throw the page away and start on another one. The reason is that in this thought the page is you. The page is the person and to destroy the page is to destroy yourself.

So if you can not destroy the paper and start from scratch, but people change, then life must be written in pencil you might think. You can erase the past. Though it always remains faintly visible. The indentations in the page where you wrote, erased, brushed away, and wrote over. They will live on.

Or perhaps my thinking is too shallow. Perhaps we are not a sheet of paper. Perhaps we are a book constantly being written. We are authors equipped with no erasers nor whiteout. Unable to change what is being written, just turning the page and writing. Only able to point people to different pages, or talk about a different way to view what was written. And when we die the editors will scramble to our pages and write the story of “who we were”.

So pen or pencil, it really doesn’t matter when you control what the editors say. Plus they use neither pen, nor pencil.

They use computers.


Its time for a book burning.

-Philip D

You can find more here. Or try his YouTube channel here. 

Thank you all,
CamBam 

Wasted much?

So as it seems to the mass populace that lives in my mind; so much time has been wasted on such idiotic things.  I believe that I am so very far from perfect that I will never be able to grace that stage.
I think to myself : "Why live such a joke when you can be perfectly content with being that passerby that noone notices yet connects with on so many levels."

I finally have roommates.  April and Kayla.. Only Kayla is here right now, but she is a really cool person.  I know that we will get along just fine.  April of course is the sweetest girl I have ever met; so there will be no complications there...

Next Friday is date night.. Gonna find us all a date.. Going to the strip in downtown Fullerton...

Today is the eleventh of January.  What have I to show for my "new year"?  What good has come from me getting so much closer to being another year older. 2009 was one of the worst years of my life.  I feel as if nothing was gained in that entire year.

All I have to show for it is a new false sense of independence that seems to fade and leave me when I need it the most or the tiniest hint of danger peers out from the dark corner that it usually calls home.

Yes I have a show coming up on the 24th.  Yes I will finally be able to play my music for people outside of my comfort zone of friends.  Yet I can't help but think about all those around me that deserve that far more than I ever have. 

I haven't even written anything new today...

I want to start playing more, but I find myself unable to get any better... I have been at the same level for so very long...

I can't stop thinking.. I am always thinking... Why?

I have hurt so many.. I have helped so many.. I have been the wrong end of so many jokes.. I have judged so many people for no reason other than to get a giggle out of one person near me... I have killed someone emotionally.. I have brought tears of joy to the eyes of those that matter the most.. I have crushed so many living things beneath the heel of my beat up black Adidas...  I have written so many sad songs... I have sang such joyful tunes... I have eaten way to much for the past week...  I am starting to become happy with who I am becoming both physically and emotionally.. I hate myself... I wish I had better equipment... I love Luna and Pearl equally...  I have no idea why I am writing this.. I still love her... I hate the way she pretends to love me... I hate that SHE actually does love me... I wish she hated me... I hate her.... She is one of the most selfless people I know... She is the most selfish person I have ever met... She will never understand what love is... She will most likely die before the age of 40... I wanted to save her... She tried so hard to save me... I always loved when she changed her hair color... I hate the color red... Blue was always my favorite... It is hard to tell which her is which in each situation... Mother Nature is a green eyed slut...

I have no idea what I just typed.... It kind of all just came spilling out... Reading it back to myself I realize how confused I am on so many plains of existence.  Yet it is all so beautiful that I can not seem to find the strength to hit the backspace key.

So this is me in the very beginning hours of January eleventh Two Thousand and Ten.
Lost and found yet somehow lost again.

How much of what I just said is true, and how much of it was a bold faced lie to all of the internet... Who is gonna take what seriously and who will read this and move on with their lives?

Did anyone even read what is above this?

Pieces of love,
Cameron

Blah Blah Blah.. Just throw it to the side...

Oh internets.... So very much has happen since we have graced each other with our presence.  You could very well write a horribly unsuccessful trilogy of novels or a two part movie story line that only the hopeless and morbid would line up to watch with how I have lived my life here lately.

Let us get all the pleasantries and basics out of the way first:

Belated-- Merry Christmas / Happy Hanukkah / Happy Kwanzaa / Good-Day-To-You-Unbeliever.
And a Happy New Year to all. :)
I hope that you all had a pleasant holiday season spent with those that you love most.

I am going to stay positive for the first bit of this post... It will help you to swallow all the drudgery that follows...

If you are a fan of video games; which who isn't these days?
I have had the pleasure of being able to play Dragon Age: Origins.  This game, to say the very least, is one of the most well made games I have ever played.  The story line is amazing.  I am not just saying amazing as in epic scenes and what not; you actually feel for the characters.  The game actually plays on your real life emotions and judgments.  It makes you really think about if that little elf mage really deserves to die even though he turned his entire clan into blood hungry savages all for revenge on the human race.
Oops.. My nerd/ geek self is showing...

In Even Better News:  I got invited to play a show at The Wire in Upland California! I know right?!!? I am hella excited.. I am pretty sure I haven't been this excited since I came out of the womb.  The show is on January 24th at seven PM.  If you want details or wish to purchase a ticket just shoot me an e-mail @ cameron.kilby@yahoo.com.  Or even stop by my band page here to show me love.  (If you do listen to the song "Too Much of a Good Thing". It is the better of the two... Like no joke.. GO now.)

This is where the tissues would come in handy....


So I completely failed my first semester of college.  I only passed one class (Communications 101 if you must know...).  Good news; I had two classes worth of credit from passing AP tests in high school.. (See kids it pays to stay in school.)

I actually had plans to share with you the roller coaster that has been my emotional life, but I have now decided against it.  To be perfectly honest; so much has happened that I don't even know where to begin.  I mean... I have screwed up so many things.  I have done good and bad. 
All I can really say is that I totally lost who I was and what I was doing with myself there for a while.  I have realized quite a few things way to late and after I had already damaged them beyond repair.
I have lost so much, but in turn gained a little.  Life seems like a burden most days, but then some silver lining will start to peek through the dark.  I'm too proud to end it all, but isn't that a good thing? 
I reap what I sow. 

The poisons I planted in the beverages of others will soon find their way into my very own cup.

The smiles I have been the cause of will be returned to me with even more laughter then they held themselves.

All the pain I have caused will soon return to leave me so bedridden that I will forget what the outside of my bedroom looks like.

The inspiration I have given will soon find itself on the end of my pen with such ferocity that I will never again create something as beautiful.

The heart(s) I have broken will have nothing to do with the time that mine will stop beating.

You must learn from this gibberish all that I can not form into words.  I thoroughly ask you all to think of every possible outcome before you move in any direction.  Spontaneous behavior is wonderful in the world of lovers and friends, but never in major life choices.

I still stand by that which I have shoved on your screen in text time and time again: "Live the life you will be proud to have lived".

May 2010 bring you more joy than 2009 ever did.

Pieces of love,
CamBam