Test Results...

Read me like an open book..

Basic Desire: to be loved
Basic Fear: of being unloved
World View: "People depend on my help. I am needed."
Childhood Origin: Ambivalent to father-figure.

Twos are generous and strive to be genuinely helpful to everyone. They are caring, but can also fall into people pleasing. Twos find their place by enlivening others with their appreciation and attention. They believe that others come first, but this can cause them to forget about their own needs and avoid their own problems. At their worst, twos fall apart from feeling selfish or feeling that they have harmed others. At their best, twos can take care of others without forgetting themselves.

warm, concerned, nurturing, and sensitive to other people's needs.
How to Get Along with Me
* Tell me that you appreciate me. Be specific.
* Share fun times with me.
* Take an interest in my problems, though I will probably try to focus on yours.
* Let me know that I am important and special to you.
* Be gentle if you decide to criticize me.

In Intimate Relationships
* Reassure me that I am intersting to you.
* Reassure me often that you love me.
* Tell me I'm attractive and that you're glad to be seen with me.

What I Like About Being a Two
* being able to relate easily to people and to make friends
* knowing what people need and being able to make their lives better
* being generous, caring, and warm
* being sensitive to and perceptive about others' feelings
* being enthusiastic and fun-loving, and having a good sense of humor

What's Hard About Being a Two
* not being able to say no
* having low self-esteem
* feeling drained from overdoing for others
* not doing things I really like to do for myself for fear of being selfish
* criticizing myself for not feeling as loving as I think I should
* being upset that others don't tune in to me as much as I tume in to them
* working so hard to be tactful and considerate that I suppress my real feelings

Twos as Children Often
* are very sensitive to disapproval and criticism
* try hard to please their parents by being helpful and understanding
* are outwardly compliant
* are popular or try to be popular with other children
* act coy, precocious, or dramatic in order to get attention
* are clowns and jokers (the more extroverted Twos), or quiet and shy (the more introverted Twos)

Twos as Parents
* are good listeners, love their children unconditionally, and are warm and encouraging (or suffer guilt if they aren't)
* are often playful with their children
* wonder: "Am I doing it right?" "Am I giving enough?" "Have I caused irreparable damage?"
* can become fiercely protective

COPYRIGHT:
Renee Baron & Elizabeth Wagele The Enneagram Made Easy Discover the 9 Types of People HarperSanFrancisco, 1994, 161 pages 9types.com

Rookie of the Year...

I just got done watching Fight Club with Kayla (more fondly known as Ms. Conquest :).).  I seriously love that movie.  Edward Norton is seriously one of the best actors to have ever been handed a script.  It makes me think of all the amazing actors out there that just do community theater and commercials because they don't have the chance to show anyone of importance what they can do...

Are people like candles without wicks?  The wicks burns down through the wax, something not as uncommon as you might think... The part of the wick which is supposed to be left out of the wax for you to burn is now buried at least a good three inches deep... Most people throw the candle out... Think about that...

I think it is funny how I can't hate anyone that I know personally... I really don't believe in hate.  The only people I can truly say I hate are people that I don't know.  People that inconvenience my troubled mind because they have a part in someones life that affected them in such a way I never could.

It rained all day... I wish the waters would have broken down the doorway...
I want to be surrounded by nothing but liquid.

Is it worse to drown or thirst to death?  I still can't decide which I would prefer.  Both suck... Both require something to do with liquid.

"When its all about trust... Its all about trust.."
Not sure anyone but Funeral For A Friend knows what I am thinking right now.. Ah how they make sense of a lot of things that you can't say in public...

What I hate most about all of this is that I can't listen to Silverstein any more.. Thanks...  I love that band...

Casually Dressed and Deep in Conversation... That is such a freaking brilliant album title...

So my financial aid has not come in.. If I don't get it soon then I don't get to pay rent.. Which means not only am I out of a home, but so is April and Kayla.  I know they just moved in, but like Becca.. I have formed a sense of protectiveness over them...

I try way too hard to please everyone else around me.  Kayla says I am way too nice for my own good...
Then again some people see me as the anti-christ.. I am an asshole apparently..

Where do I really fall?

I didn't fall asleep until 9 AM... I then proceeded to wake up at 2:30 PM... an hour or so after which all the furniture in my house was aptly taken....  This is fun in an newish empty kinda way...

My show is in less than a week now.  I am so scared yet so very very excited. 
After I get my check I have to go buy some Lucky Charms.. Apparently they are 'magically delicious'.  I could use some magic...

There is a certain irony to dying on your birthday.. I can't quite place it.. Even circles don't come that full round..

What kind of gift do you get someone who has everything?  Better yet, what do you get someone who has nothing at all? 

I have slipped into this sad existence of playing WoW all day and exchanging e-mails with a very interesting character...  I have developed a little crush to be honest..

I don't sleep at night...

I've had this pain in my stomach as if it was been stretched and torn from the inside.  It would move every day... It is gone now, but it lasted for three days... What the hell was that?  Why did it just leave me?  I mean they say pain makes you know you are still alive... I don't feel the pain any more.. Is that bad?  I mean I want to say that it is good.. but yeah....

So this was pretty much all rambling.... I don't really care..

If you have read this far it means you care.. Thank you.. I love you.. Whoever you are...

I am not talking like I wanna pick out curtains and be the father of your child.. But that love that you share with your best friend. 

A sad thought.. I would take a bullet for a complete stranger.. Who does that?  Who cares about the type of person that does that these days?  Isn't it all about who you know and what you can do for them?

I've got a lot of learning to do..............

"Just like the lady in the blue dress,
you've got cigarettes on your breath.
...

... I'll put a little sour in your sweet,
You've got so much fucking tongue in cheek."

Look at that.. Senses Fail made this my very first un-family-friendly blog post... Ooh darkness...

-CamBam

Sweet Teeth...

Proper "English" tea and chocolate chip cookes.
Pretty rainbow colored cake.

Thank you.  No seriously.. Thank you.

No one knows what the hell I am talking about...

I love that...

I have been floating by the last few days.  Nothing really spectacular going on.  I play guitar, watch movies with Kayla, talk about music to April, think, read, think more, eat way too much, walk around Fullerton, think, and check the mail exactly at 2:45 PM.

I need something.  Something random to shake things up.  I am already tired of this new existence.  I am already tired of school and the semester hasn't even started.  I hope that I get better grades this time around.  I know I will...

Isn't that supposed to help?  Saying you are sure of something?  Like words can make any difference in the world that Fate has made for you?  Can you turn the sands of time to your advantage?  Can you change what you are destined to do; how you are destined to fail / succeed? 
I say you can't.

You can't just float on, because then you won't be able to make something happen, but then again something is already supposed to happen.  Where is the fun in that?

People are so buckled down by their beliefs.  Who is actually living a life that they want to these days?

Who says that nothing is free?
Love should be free... I haven't met anyone else that thinks that though.

I think I need to write a book.   I don't know what about, but it needs to happen.

Sleep sounds nice.  I mean I am only going to wake up to check my e-mail...
Then it is on with the normal day to day way of things.

Every e-mail contains something new and fresh, something to brighten up the morning.  It is like I have a best friend, but we don't even know it.

That is nice...

Thanks for reading?  Or do you feel your time was wasted?

Well how will you ever know if you don't tune back in here; same bat time, same bat channel.

-CamBam

54 degrees

That is how cold it is outside right now. I just returned to my apartment after spending a solid three minutes in the pool.
I jumped in without testing the water. So little seems to move me at all these days. Nothing seems to phase me; there is no pain.
The water felt perfect as it made first contact with my skin and quickly rolled its way up and over the rest of my body. It felt like a welcome rinse of relaxation. My foot touched bottom and I pushed myself towards the top. As I rose; I realized that i could no longer feel the water around me. I could feel nothing but a tingling that ran from the ends of my toes to the tip of my nose. A million pin pricks were working back and forth across my arms and legs. My head arose out of the water, blind and wet, only to come to the conclusion that it was warm outside. In fact it was not warm at all. The difference of the fifty-four degree air and the water I was in was so dramatic. I couldn't feel my body. I wasn't sure if my legs were kicking to keep me afloat or if it was the sheer will power of that human instinct to live. All I know is that I was not drowning.
Which made me think of how it would be to drown. I already could not feel my mortal self. All that attached me to this world was my spiritual one.
Then Kayla jumped in behind me. I thought of who this girl was who was following my lead. How many people does she love. How many people love her. How many people do I love. How many people love me. How easy it would be to drown, but then I would never get to say goodbye. How easy it would be to stop kicking; seeing as I had no real legs in this freezing water. How harsh would that be to those that can truly say we share(d) love. How would that solve anything? How good would she feel knowing she finally ended it all? She would be so proud of herself wouldn't she? How many fake tears would it take to get someone else in her bed?

I guess Destiny always gets her way.

Except this time. There is no playing the victim this time. There is nothing you can do. I have become untouchable. I am over playing high school games. There is no tether ball in this court. I feel so immature yet I am thinking more clearly now than I ever have. I have seen the world's true face and it knows me. We call each other on first name basis. We share tea and stories. You can't know what the world is. You will most likely never know what the world is.


i am an avid watcher of Philip Defranco on YouTube. It turns out that this man is also an amazing writer. He has posted something recently that has turned on a switch in my big room of switches in my mind that I never even knew was there.
You need to read this. :

My ultimate question with life is, “Is life written in pen or pencil”?

One would say life is written in pen, because what is done will always have been. It’s not erasable. I mean you can cover it with white-out, but anyone who cares enough will notice. You can write over it, but thats just brutish and messy. And keep in mind you can’t just throw the page away and start on another one. The reason is that in this thought the page is you. The page is the person and to destroy the page is to destroy yourself.

So if you can not destroy the paper and start from scratch, but people change, then life must be written in pencil you might think. You can erase the past. Though it always remains faintly visible. The indentations in the page where you wrote, erased, brushed away, and wrote over. They will live on.

Or perhaps my thinking is too shallow. Perhaps we are not a sheet of paper. Perhaps we are a book constantly being written. We are authors equipped with no erasers nor whiteout. Unable to change what is being written, just turning the page and writing. Only able to point people to different pages, or talk about a different way to view what was written. And when we die the editors will scramble to our pages and write the story of “who we were”.

So pen or pencil, it really doesn’t matter when you control what the editors say. Plus they use neither pen, nor pencil.

They use computers.


Its time for a book burning.

-Philip D

You can find more here. Or try his YouTube channel here. 

Thank you all,
CamBam 

Wasted much?

So as it seems to the mass populace that lives in my mind; so much time has been wasted on such idiotic things.  I believe that I am so very far from perfect that I will never be able to grace that stage.
I think to myself : "Why live such a joke when you can be perfectly content with being that passerby that noone notices yet connects with on so many levels."

I finally have roommates.  April and Kayla.. Only Kayla is here right now, but she is a really cool person.  I know that we will get along just fine.  April of course is the sweetest girl I have ever met; so there will be no complications there...

Next Friday is date night.. Gonna find us all a date.. Going to the strip in downtown Fullerton...

Today is the eleventh of January.  What have I to show for my "new year"?  What good has come from me getting so much closer to being another year older. 2009 was one of the worst years of my life.  I feel as if nothing was gained in that entire year.

All I have to show for it is a new false sense of independence that seems to fade and leave me when I need it the most or the tiniest hint of danger peers out from the dark corner that it usually calls home.

Yes I have a show coming up on the 24th.  Yes I will finally be able to play my music for people outside of my comfort zone of friends.  Yet I can't help but think about all those around me that deserve that far more than I ever have. 

I haven't even written anything new today...

I want to start playing more, but I find myself unable to get any better... I have been at the same level for so very long...

I can't stop thinking.. I am always thinking... Why?

I have hurt so many.. I have helped so many.. I have been the wrong end of so many jokes.. I have judged so many people for no reason other than to get a giggle out of one person near me... I have killed someone emotionally.. I have brought tears of joy to the eyes of those that matter the most.. I have crushed so many living things beneath the heel of my beat up black Adidas...  I have written so many sad songs... I have sang such joyful tunes... I have eaten way to much for the past week...  I am starting to become happy with who I am becoming both physically and emotionally.. I hate myself... I wish I had better equipment... I love Luna and Pearl equally...  I have no idea why I am writing this.. I still love her... I hate the way she pretends to love me... I hate that SHE actually does love me... I wish she hated me... I hate her.... She is one of the most selfless people I know... She is the most selfish person I have ever met... She will never understand what love is... She will most likely die before the age of 40... I wanted to save her... She tried so hard to save me... I always loved when she changed her hair color... I hate the color red... Blue was always my favorite... It is hard to tell which her is which in each situation... Mother Nature is a green eyed slut...

I have no idea what I just typed.... It kind of all just came spilling out... Reading it back to myself I realize how confused I am on so many plains of existence.  Yet it is all so beautiful that I can not seem to find the strength to hit the backspace key.

So this is me in the very beginning hours of January eleventh Two Thousand and Ten.
Lost and found yet somehow lost again.

How much of what I just said is true, and how much of it was a bold faced lie to all of the internet... Who is gonna take what seriously and who will read this and move on with their lives?

Did anyone even read what is above this?

Pieces of love,
Cameron

Blah Blah Blah.. Just throw it to the side...

Oh internets.... So very much has happen since we have graced each other with our presence.  You could very well write a horribly unsuccessful trilogy of novels or a two part movie story line that only the hopeless and morbid would line up to watch with how I have lived my life here lately.

Let us get all the pleasantries and basics out of the way first:

Belated-- Merry Christmas / Happy Hanukkah / Happy Kwanzaa / Good-Day-To-You-Unbeliever.
And a Happy New Year to all. :)
I hope that you all had a pleasant holiday season spent with those that you love most.

I am going to stay positive for the first bit of this post... It will help you to swallow all the drudgery that follows...

If you are a fan of video games; which who isn't these days?
I have had the pleasure of being able to play Dragon Age: Origins.  This game, to say the very least, is one of the most well made games I have ever played.  The story line is amazing.  I am not just saying amazing as in epic scenes and what not; you actually feel for the characters.  The game actually plays on your real life emotions and judgments.  It makes you really think about if that little elf mage really deserves to die even though he turned his entire clan into blood hungry savages all for revenge on the human race.
Oops.. My nerd/ geek self is showing...

In Even Better News:  I got invited to play a show at The Wire in Upland California! I know right?!!? I am hella excited.. I am pretty sure I haven't been this excited since I came out of the womb.  The show is on January 24th at seven PM.  If you want details or wish to purchase a ticket just shoot me an e-mail @ cameron.kilby@yahoo.com.  Or even stop by my band page here to show me love.  (If you do listen to the song "Too Much of a Good Thing". It is the better of the two... Like no joke.. GO now.)

This is where the tissues would come in handy....


So I completely failed my first semester of college.  I only passed one class (Communications 101 if you must know...).  Good news; I had two classes worth of credit from passing AP tests in high school.. (See kids it pays to stay in school.)

I actually had plans to share with you the roller coaster that has been my emotional life, but I have now decided against it.  To be perfectly honest; so much has happened that I don't even know where to begin.  I mean... I have screwed up so many things.  I have done good and bad. 
All I can really say is that I totally lost who I was and what I was doing with myself there for a while.  I have realized quite a few things way to late and after I had already damaged them beyond repair.
I have lost so much, but in turn gained a little.  Life seems like a burden most days, but then some silver lining will start to peek through the dark.  I'm too proud to end it all, but isn't that a good thing? 
I reap what I sow. 

The poisons I planted in the beverages of others will soon find their way into my very own cup.

The smiles I have been the cause of will be returned to me with even more laughter then they held themselves.

All the pain I have caused will soon return to leave me so bedridden that I will forget what the outside of my bedroom looks like.

The inspiration I have given will soon find itself on the end of my pen with such ferocity that I will never again create something as beautiful.

The heart(s) I have broken will have nothing to do with the time that mine will stop beating.

You must learn from this gibberish all that I can not form into words.  I thoroughly ask you all to think of every possible outcome before you move in any direction.  Spontaneous behavior is wonderful in the world of lovers and friends, but never in major life choices.

I still stand by that which I have shoved on your screen in text time and time again: "Live the life you will be proud to have lived".

May 2010 bring you more joy than 2009 ever did.

Pieces of love,
CamBam