54 degrees

That is how cold it is outside right now. I just returned to my apartment after spending a solid three minutes in the pool.
I jumped in without testing the water. So little seems to move me at all these days. Nothing seems to phase me; there is no pain.
The water felt perfect as it made first contact with my skin and quickly rolled its way up and over the rest of my body. It felt like a welcome rinse of relaxation. My foot touched bottom and I pushed myself towards the top. As I rose; I realized that i could no longer feel the water around me. I could feel nothing but a tingling that ran from the ends of my toes to the tip of my nose. A million pin pricks were working back and forth across my arms and legs. My head arose out of the water, blind and wet, only to come to the conclusion that it was warm outside. In fact it was not warm at all. The difference of the fifty-four degree air and the water I was in was so dramatic. I couldn't feel my body. I wasn't sure if my legs were kicking to keep me afloat or if it was the sheer will power of that human instinct to live. All I know is that I was not drowning.
Which made me think of how it would be to drown. I already could not feel my mortal self. All that attached me to this world was my spiritual one.
Then Kayla jumped in behind me. I thought of who this girl was who was following my lead. How many people does she love. How many people love her. How many people do I love. How many people love me. How easy it would be to drown, but then I would never get to say goodbye. How easy it would be to stop kicking; seeing as I had no real legs in this freezing water. How harsh would that be to those that can truly say we share(d) love. How would that solve anything? How good would she feel knowing she finally ended it all? She would be so proud of herself wouldn't she? How many fake tears would it take to get someone else in her bed?

I guess Destiny always gets her way.

Except this time. There is no playing the victim this time. There is nothing you can do. I have become untouchable. I am over playing high school games. There is no tether ball in this court. I feel so immature yet I am thinking more clearly now than I ever have. I have seen the world's true face and it knows me. We call each other on first name basis. We share tea and stories. You can't know what the world is. You will most likely never know what the world is.


i am an avid watcher of Philip Defranco on YouTube. It turns out that this man is also an amazing writer. He has posted something recently that has turned on a switch in my big room of switches in my mind that I never even knew was there.
You need to read this. :

My ultimate question with life is, “Is life written in pen or pencil”?

One would say life is written in pen, because what is done will always have been. It’s not erasable. I mean you can cover it with white-out, but anyone who cares enough will notice. You can write over it, but thats just brutish and messy. And keep in mind you can’t just throw the page away and start on another one. The reason is that in this thought the page is you. The page is the person and to destroy the page is to destroy yourself.

So if you can not destroy the paper and start from scratch, but people change, then life must be written in pencil you might think. You can erase the past. Though it always remains faintly visible. The indentations in the page where you wrote, erased, brushed away, and wrote over. They will live on.

Or perhaps my thinking is too shallow. Perhaps we are not a sheet of paper. Perhaps we are a book constantly being written. We are authors equipped with no erasers nor whiteout. Unable to change what is being written, just turning the page and writing. Only able to point people to different pages, or talk about a different way to view what was written. And when we die the editors will scramble to our pages and write the story of “who we were”.

So pen or pencil, it really doesn’t matter when you control what the editors say. Plus they use neither pen, nor pencil.

They use computers.


Its time for a book burning.

-Philip D

You can find more here. Or try his YouTube channel here. 

Thank you all,
CamBam