I used to have a heart.

 -Say Anything (Max Bemis)


I used to have a heart worth a billion bucks
Now it's shitty, shoddy cheap
Sell it in my sleep for the fakes to eat
While they kiss my ass and tell me what I need:
Sex fiends with a vacant dream, a tattoo of a soul
And the words you said, still ringing in my head
Wonder where the love they stole is hiding

All I want to do is be mended by you
I don't want to be confused, I just want to find you
All I want to kill is that which keeps me ill
Underwhelmed and unfulfilled

They're in denial of the knowledge
That they're living in a lame excuse
They're in denial of what you are to me:
My heart, my love, my guide
It's not alright with me, the love I lack, I need, I want you back
The circle torn apart, I used to have a heart

I used to know a girl with the deepest trust
That a man could ever know
I broke her neck with the lack of respect
I learned as an embryo on the west coast
Where the dead paint hollywood red
The facade is well-fed with the blood of the capulets
Spread like jelly on bread across the doors of the first-borns
Weaned from birth on meds

All I want to say is this could be ok
I don't want to be a slave, I just want to spend my days
Wondering through the haze, your voice to lead the way

I can finally go and say:
There you are in front of me, luminescent as you used to be
Just sing the saddest song for me, revive me

Well then...

I guess I better update my "goddamn blog".
So here is your update.

I have really just been trying to keep myself from going insane. 

The only big thing that has happened as of yet is that I now am employed!  Yay me!

I will be working at a convenience store type of place.

Back to the ol' $8.00 an hour.
I just went through training this week and actually start on Sunday bright and early.

Other than that I have just spend my time watching Doctor Who.
I really didn't like it for the first two episodes, but after that I became really emotionally invested in the characters.
Seasons 1 - 4 were absolutely brilliant... I am not so fond of season five and it's Doctor...  There is no emotional investment there at all.

Watching Torchwood now - which is a thing derived from Doctor Who.  Really cool tie in....

I am trying to figure out what I am doing with my life.  Step one was getting a job... Okay that is done.. I have a job.

Now what?

Where am I going?  When am I going there?

The latest discussions have now been having me in the role of a student going to school to get a teaching degree...

SO yes - as of right now CamBam is going to be a teacher in a few years.  How exciting is that?  We know how I am though - I am never happy with where I am or what I am doing.

BTW - I had to drop out of DeVry because I have no money to pay for what my financial aid doesn't cover...

This is going to sound racist but it really isn't....

I have so many friends (mainly mexican and black) that got the same grades I did, took the same classes pretty much that I did, and went to the same level of university that I was going to who got 5K more a year that I do with financial aid. WTF is up with that?

Damn you white people!  If you would have picked your own damn fruit and cotton I could be going to school still!!


So I will sit and sip my Trader Joe's Irish Breakfast Tea (AMAZING), play my crappy little songs on my beautiful blue guitar named Luna, play Mortal Kombat, go to work, and watch Torchwood until I figure out the next step in life.

I have tried to take things wayy to fast, and that has in reality put me behind the pack.
In the next few weeks I should have a solid plan built for myself.... I just have a bit of research to do.

Believe me - you will be the first one I tell when something happens.

This is CamBam - signing off for now.

Its the same old things that get me everytime.

So the past few days - hell the past week has been complete crap...

I have done nothing but hop buses and job search all over Yucca Valley, CA.

I have had two interviews and a third on the way.
Wal Mart and the Marine Base....

I really don't know which job I would take over the other because they all have drawbacks, but hey - it is better than the job I have now.


I have been listening to a lot of The Paper Raincoat.  They are this amazing band that I saw live in San Diego a couple years ago.

They have gotten me through some tough moments.

I have been feeling really weird lately though...

I have been having so many dreams about two people...

Amanda Palmer:

And someone from my past that I will not name because I am sure they do not want me to...

It are the dreams such as these that really make me feel like I missed a step going down the path of life.  I happened upon a great chance and then kinda let it float down the creek onto someone else.

I wanted to say so much.. Like tell you about Seductive Steve, but now I just don't feel like writing.
You can listen to the song about Seductive Steve that Courtney and I wrote here.

Oh and if Amanda Palmer reads this - I love you and come home to me. ;)

Pieces of love - CamBam

There is beauty in the suffering...

Dolere Dulcis Est

So humanity sickens me sometimes.

This is going to be a short blog about the retelling of a very unfortunate event that happened yesterday.

Yesterday I spent a good five hours walking around the town of Yucca Valley checking back in with places about jobs and such.
Well I had just gotten out of Pizza Hut and was really feeling discouraged. I usually walk with only one earphone in, but this time I felt like crap so I was gonna be the kid that walks around with his music blaring in both ears... Just before i place the second ear phone in my ear I hear a cry for help.  So I was like - Holy crap - What was that?

So I spend a couple seconds looking around and I can't tell where it had come from. I walk around this car and there is this little old lady a couple spaces away on the ground in agony.  I run over to her and crouch down beside her... I couldn't really get a coherent response out of her due to how much pain she was in - so I pull out my cell phone and call 911.  The lady on the phone asks me where I am - so I respond "I am at the Pizza Hut in Yucca Valley off of Twentynine Palms Hwy."  I then tell her that a lady is hurt, unable to move, and in terrible pain.  She then asks for cross streets... Really?  I am at effing Pizza Hut on Twentynine Palms Hwy in Yucca Valley.. There is not another Pizza Hut anywhere near there!

So what does the idiot do?  She transfers me to the sheriff's office so they can look up where I am.  It takes the cop two seconds to figure out where I am.... The cop then puts me on hold... A 911 call on hold!  and transfers me back to the idiot 911 operator.   She then tells me that she received the address from the police and that an ambulance would be there in five to ten minutes. 
She then tells me not to move the woman and such and then asks if I need her help with anything else.  After I say no she hangs up...

So here I am in front of Pizza Hut trying to comfort this woman who seems to have either broken her hip or her leg.  Some people that have sense gathered around us point out that there is a fire truck outside of a store across the parking lot.  Just when someone is about to run over and get them they come out talking on their radios.  So I think - sweet they got the call and now we don't have to wait for the ambulance to get here for this lady to get some help...  They wait for their buddy to finish getting groceries before coming over to us...  When they do get to us - the fire fighter in the back points to the old lady on the ground, says something, and starts to laugh.. Really?!  Are you kidding me?  How sick of a human being do you have to be??

So they lolly-gag out of the fire truck taking their sweet time getting their gear out.  Then one guy just starts poking and prodding the woman while whistling "I've been working on the railroad".

Seriously... Why are you in a career where you are supposed to help people when it is obvious you don't give a damn about anything but that damn pension you are promised? 

There are so many details I have left out just due to absolute anger...

Those Who Make a Noise in This World are Often to Blame....

It would seem that day in and day out I have adopted the exact same pattern...

1. Wake up at 7:30 to 9 AM
2.  Check all my social pages... Facebook, e-mail, school, etc
3. Eat something
4. Play some sort of video game or play guitar
5. Apply to / call about jobs that I am not getting
6. Play more video games or guitar
7. Schoolwork
8. Stop playing video games around 11:30
9. Lay in bed until sleep finally finds me - (usually around 2:30 AM)

I continue to mark the days off of my calendar, but there is very little that changes from one day to the next.

I have been listening to a lot of Circa Survive (Thanks to my friend Tyler) and Say Anything.

I think that everyone and their mom should listen to this song before they decide to do anything life changing:

Good stuff right?

This song is about one of my favorite movies ever - Eternal Sunshine on a Spotless Mind.

I have become so stagnant - I hate it, but there is nothing really I can do about it.
I don't have a job, a car, or any friends that live close or have time for me.

I am in such a digital hermit cave....

It isn't all bad though... I mean it gives me a lot of time to think.

True is - you are not who I thought you were...

I hate the black wool that you have pulled over your eyes.  You need to grow up in a sense that you need to start taking risks.  Get out of that little bubble and stop bringing everyone down.

I've got these tired eyes all the time...

This state of mind is doing wonders for my concept album / musical though...
So dreary and upsetting...

I wish I had more to tell you, but I am taking it day by day at face value.

I miss her...

She doesn't miss me...

I am better off being me and not changing...

I wish I did drugs sometimes.. I mean being high would make things so much better.. ha ha...

Too bad my step mom already thinks I get tanked every chance I get.

I can't wait to write you that song...

/endramblings

I hope you are having an amazing day.

Go live the life you will be proud of.