What a long strange trip its been....

Oh my... There are so many things that I want to say yet so many things that I don't want to.
There is always the one side that is fine with the way things turned out and one side that is dying on the inside. I am afraid I am the latter but there is not a damn thing I can do about it.

I guess I just gotta put one foot in front of the other one and hope for the best.
I wear this smile cause I am tired of how I feel.

Am I okay?
No - fuck you...
I know you are just wondering how I am and are concerned by the look on my face.
Just leave me the fuck alone.  Life sucks and then you die.
Might as well make the most of it.

I hate....

Anonymous comments....

The least you could do is let me know who you are....

Ya know....

....I have forgotten what a "First Kiss" feels like?

If I knew then what I know now....

I wish I could go back just two years... Maybe three....

Oh how I would do things differently....

I am not who I thought I would be in two years time...

I need to focus more on what I want... Less on what I think I want.

I have an idea...  Yep... Me an idea....

I am done with so many things and am going to start doing so many other different things...

SO ambiguous and self-righteous.

Max Bemis and the Painful Splits have opened the door... I am walking through it.. If it closes again I am gonna kick the bitch down.

I used to have a heart.

 -Say Anything (Max Bemis)


I used to have a heart worth a billion bucks
Now it's shitty, shoddy cheap
Sell it in my sleep for the fakes to eat
While they kiss my ass and tell me what I need:
Sex fiends with a vacant dream, a tattoo of a soul
And the words you said, still ringing in my head
Wonder where the love they stole is hiding

All I want to do is be mended by you
I don't want to be confused, I just want to find you
All I want to kill is that which keeps me ill
Underwhelmed and unfulfilled

They're in denial of the knowledge
That they're living in a lame excuse
They're in denial of what you are to me:
My heart, my love, my guide
It's not alright with me, the love I lack, I need, I want you back
The circle torn apart, I used to have a heart

I used to know a girl with the deepest trust
That a man could ever know
I broke her neck with the lack of respect
I learned as an embryo on the west coast
Where the dead paint hollywood red
The facade is well-fed with the blood of the capulets
Spread like jelly on bread across the doors of the first-borns
Weaned from birth on meds

All I want to say is this could be ok
I don't want to be a slave, I just want to spend my days
Wondering through the haze, your voice to lead the way

I can finally go and say:
There you are in front of me, luminescent as you used to be
Just sing the saddest song for me, revive me

Well then...

I guess I better update my "goddamn blog".
So here is your update.

I have really just been trying to keep myself from going insane. 

The only big thing that has happened as of yet is that I now am employed!  Yay me!

I will be working at a convenience store type of place.

Back to the ol' $8.00 an hour.
I just went through training this week and actually start on Sunday bright and early.

Other than that I have just spend my time watching Doctor Who.
I really didn't like it for the first two episodes, but after that I became really emotionally invested in the characters.
Seasons 1 - 4 were absolutely brilliant... I am not so fond of season five and it's Doctor...  There is no emotional investment there at all.

Watching Torchwood now - which is a thing derived from Doctor Who.  Really cool tie in....

I am trying to figure out what I am doing with my life.  Step one was getting a job... Okay that is done.. I have a job.

Now what?

Where am I going?  When am I going there?

The latest discussions have now been having me in the role of a student going to school to get a teaching degree...

SO yes - as of right now CamBam is going to be a teacher in a few years.  How exciting is that?  We know how I am though - I am never happy with where I am or what I am doing.

BTW - I had to drop out of DeVry because I have no money to pay for what my financial aid doesn't cover...

This is going to sound racist but it really isn't....

I have so many friends (mainly mexican and black) that got the same grades I did, took the same classes pretty much that I did, and went to the same level of university that I was going to who got 5K more a year that I do with financial aid. WTF is up with that?

Damn you white people!  If you would have picked your own damn fruit and cotton I could be going to school still!!


So I will sit and sip my Trader Joe's Irish Breakfast Tea (AMAZING), play my crappy little songs on my beautiful blue guitar named Luna, play Mortal Kombat, go to work, and watch Torchwood until I figure out the next step in life.

I have tried to take things wayy to fast, and that has in reality put me behind the pack.
In the next few weeks I should have a solid plan built for myself.... I just have a bit of research to do.

Believe me - you will be the first one I tell when something happens.

This is CamBam - signing off for now.

Its the same old things that get me everytime.

So the past few days - hell the past week has been complete crap...

I have done nothing but hop buses and job search all over Yucca Valley, CA.

I have had two interviews and a third on the way.
Wal Mart and the Marine Base....

I really don't know which job I would take over the other because they all have drawbacks, but hey - it is better than the job I have now.


I have been listening to a lot of The Paper Raincoat.  They are this amazing band that I saw live in San Diego a couple years ago.

They have gotten me through some tough moments.

I have been feeling really weird lately though...

I have been having so many dreams about two people...

Amanda Palmer:

And someone from my past that I will not name because I am sure they do not want me to...

It are the dreams such as these that really make me feel like I missed a step going down the path of life.  I happened upon a great chance and then kinda let it float down the creek onto someone else.

I wanted to say so much.. Like tell you about Seductive Steve, but now I just don't feel like writing.
You can listen to the song about Seductive Steve that Courtney and I wrote here.

Oh and if Amanda Palmer reads this - I love you and come home to me. ;)

Pieces of love - CamBam

There is beauty in the suffering...

Dolere Dulcis Est

So humanity sickens me sometimes.

This is going to be a short blog about the retelling of a very unfortunate event that happened yesterday.

Yesterday I spent a good five hours walking around the town of Yucca Valley checking back in with places about jobs and such.
Well I had just gotten out of Pizza Hut and was really feeling discouraged. I usually walk with only one earphone in, but this time I felt like crap so I was gonna be the kid that walks around with his music blaring in both ears... Just before i place the second ear phone in my ear I hear a cry for help.  So I was like - Holy crap - What was that?

So I spend a couple seconds looking around and I can't tell where it had come from. I walk around this car and there is this little old lady a couple spaces away on the ground in agony.  I run over to her and crouch down beside her... I couldn't really get a coherent response out of her due to how much pain she was in - so I pull out my cell phone and call 911.  The lady on the phone asks me where I am - so I respond "I am at the Pizza Hut in Yucca Valley off of Twentynine Palms Hwy."  I then tell her that a lady is hurt, unable to move, and in terrible pain.  She then asks for cross streets... Really?  I am at effing Pizza Hut on Twentynine Palms Hwy in Yucca Valley.. There is not another Pizza Hut anywhere near there!

So what does the idiot do?  She transfers me to the sheriff's office so they can look up where I am.  It takes the cop two seconds to figure out where I am.... The cop then puts me on hold... A 911 call on hold!  and transfers me back to the idiot 911 operator.   She then tells me that she received the address from the police and that an ambulance would be there in five to ten minutes. 
She then tells me not to move the woman and such and then asks if I need her help with anything else.  After I say no she hangs up...

So here I am in front of Pizza Hut trying to comfort this woman who seems to have either broken her hip or her leg.  Some people that have sense gathered around us point out that there is a fire truck outside of a store across the parking lot.  Just when someone is about to run over and get them they come out talking on their radios.  So I think - sweet they got the call and now we don't have to wait for the ambulance to get here for this lady to get some help...  They wait for their buddy to finish getting groceries before coming over to us...  When they do get to us - the fire fighter in the back points to the old lady on the ground, says something, and starts to laugh.. Really?!  Are you kidding me?  How sick of a human being do you have to be??

So they lolly-gag out of the fire truck taking their sweet time getting their gear out.  Then one guy just starts poking and prodding the woman while whistling "I've been working on the railroad".

Seriously... Why are you in a career where you are supposed to help people when it is obvious you don't give a damn about anything but that damn pension you are promised? 

There are so many details I have left out just due to absolute anger...

Those Who Make a Noise in This World are Often to Blame....

It would seem that day in and day out I have adopted the exact same pattern...

1. Wake up at 7:30 to 9 AM
2.  Check all my social pages... Facebook, e-mail, school, etc
3. Eat something
4. Play some sort of video game or play guitar
5. Apply to / call about jobs that I am not getting
6. Play more video games or guitar
7. Schoolwork
8. Stop playing video games around 11:30
9. Lay in bed until sleep finally finds me - (usually around 2:30 AM)

I continue to mark the days off of my calendar, but there is very little that changes from one day to the next.

I have been listening to a lot of Circa Survive (Thanks to my friend Tyler) and Say Anything.

I think that everyone and their mom should listen to this song before they decide to do anything life changing:

Good stuff right?

This song is about one of my favorite movies ever - Eternal Sunshine on a Spotless Mind.

I have become so stagnant - I hate it, but there is nothing really I can do about it.
I don't have a job, a car, or any friends that live close or have time for me.

I am in such a digital hermit cave....

It isn't all bad though... I mean it gives me a lot of time to think.

True is - you are not who I thought you were...

I hate the black wool that you have pulled over your eyes.  You need to grow up in a sense that you need to start taking risks.  Get out of that little bubble and stop bringing everyone down.

I've got these tired eyes all the time...

This state of mind is doing wonders for my concept album / musical though...
So dreary and upsetting...

I wish I had more to tell you, but I am taking it day by day at face value.

I miss her...

She doesn't miss me...

I am better off being me and not changing...

I wish I did drugs sometimes.. I mean being high would make things so much better.. ha ha...

Too bad my step mom already thinks I get tanked every chance I get.

I can't wait to write you that song...

/endramblings

I hope you are having an amazing day.

Go live the life you will be proud of.

"Too bad. Lets dance."

So I have decided that I should post something besides my normal dribble.
So I am going to do a game review of sorts.  I mean I love me some video games....  I promise this will not become a regular thing... Cause to be honest I don't have money for video games.

So today I will be talking about The Witcher: Enhanced Edition.  This game is a little dated, but it is still very worth your hard earned $20. Just be sure you have a nice PC... This game is beautiful and should only be played where it can be shown off.

So you don't have to listen to me ramble about it... Watch the opening cinematic. Seriously this is the first thing you see when you start playing the game.  No menu or nothing - just straight to this:

Yeah...  You know this is gonna be good.

So far I have only played the game for seven hours.  Which landed me near the middle of chapter 2 out of 8.  Not to mention all the extra stuff the enhanced edition comes with...

You play as a witcher named Geralt of Rivia.  Geralt is not your normal fantasy hero.  Geralt is a badass; he knows he is a badass, and everyone that crosses him knows he is a badass.  It seems that any time a peasant needs something done Geralt also asks for money in return for the good deed.  Witchers don't work for free, ya dig?

Now the basic points on the game...:

Graphics: 8/10
The graphics in this game are absolutely amazing.  While there are some collision flaws like grass poking through the bottom of wagons or the hilt of a sword passing through peoples arms as they move around to talk, but overall the game is beautiful.

The only real issue I have with the graphics in this game are the clunky models of the denizens of the world.  Everyone seems to rigid and robotic. The only time a model flows really well is during combat.  Each character only displays one emotion on their face, and that emotion is the one that most fits the character.  Geralt is stern, the other witchers are either angry or dopey, and the dwarves are all drunk off their ass.
The world around you, however, is beautifully rendered.  The world is dark and dreary, and there are reminders there around every turn. 



Playability: 7/10
The game plays very well from the very beginning.  While combat is a little clunky; due to the fact that your combat is controlled by clicking once over and over in a certain pattern and three buttons on the keyboard to switch between witcher stances.  The camera is positioned at a very good place and lets you see almost fully around Geralt at all times.  I found myself getting used to everything from leveling up to combat rather quickly.  The way you level up is very similar to Oblivion in that you must find a place to meditate in order to receive your leveling bonuses or brew any potions you might want to brew.  Just a note:  Learn to love alchemy. The game is very user friendly in the way of its menus.  You can track quests, read character bios, and sort through your inventory rather easily.

The only problem I have run into regarding playability is on difficulty spike near the end of chapter 1.  I was playing the game and everything was easy.  I never dropped below half health, and then came a fight with the main boss of the region.  I died at least seven times before finally slaying the beast.  Note:  I don't play on easy mode, you scrub. (Ha - thanks Ryan.)

Story and Lore: 9/10
The story and the way lore is handled in this game is amazing!  I was drawn in very early on by the wonderful voice acting that seems to fill game.  Every dialouge choice you make as Geralt is then said by Geralt in his gravely voice verbatim. 
Did you know that Geralt died once?  Who brought him back?  I don't even know yet...
The story is also very choice driven.  There were many hints that let me know had I made a different choice earlier in the game something different would be happening to me.  This leads to this game being very re-playable after the first playthrough.  Every single choice I make affects me in some way.  Oh you wanna give those homeless elves weapons, medicine, and food cause they need it and you are a nice guy?  -Ohp look at that!  They killed a major player of a quest you now have to find a different way to finish.  <- Yes that really happened.. Nice guys do apparently finish last.

Well that is all I have for now...

Average score: 8/10
I would highly recommend this game if you are a fan of long story driven RPGs.
Though I am not even half way through - I can tell this is gonna be one awesome title to play through.

There the game review is over... You can go back to your normally scheduled CamBamLand program later in the week.

Genius much?

So yeah.. I have always looked up to Amanda Palmer as an artist... She had to take it one step further and write this.

I want to be her best friend.

I also want to start a cabaret punk band... We'll see how that goes lol.
I just need to get myself a keyboard..... Maybe a synth...

So if any of you have a keyboard laying around that you aren't using....

This song.

Listen to the lyrics...

Yeah....

I wanna be this guy.

Oh such inspiration!

This video / song have struck me so suddenly with thoughts that I can't rightly put down into words.
I am not that huge of a fan of Panic! at the Disco...  I love their first album, but ever since then they have gotten more and more iffy...

This song however...
I have been wanting to write a concept album for a while now.. I finally have everything I need to accomplish this task.

While I am not the greatest writer in the world, I know I have friends that would be more than happy to help me out.
Eddie will be my biggest aid in this I can already tell.

Just listen to the lyrics.

So here it is...

Think of it.. It is a village separated from all other time and space.  It is one in and of itself.  No one in the village has ever been outside it's walls. 
Then two lovers...
Katilette and Cadman.

Of course love is at the root of the uproar.

It will be a very Whisper House -ish episodic story driven from song to song.  Almost musical like.
I am leaning towards trying to make a short film out of it.

I think ten tracks from start to finish will tell the story I want to.
I know this will take years, but years is something I have.

To steam punk or not to steam punk?

All I know is that I hate sitting in one spot for too long..
I am ready to get out of here...
I don't belong here...

I am $1600 away from being where I think I belong...

How tragic...

There's nothing wrong with just a taste of what you paid for...

Yeah - some call it love...

Sorry, but I just had to post this because... well yeah...

 

Is she beautiful or what?

Ha ha - Kayla can't be mad because I got the picture from her. ;)

The one with the most toys still dies in the end.

Everything is moving in slow motion.
There are so many things that are so uncertain.
What does the next two months have in store for me? - What lies at the end of those two months?
Where will I be in the next five months?  What progress will I have made towards anything?

I am trying so hard to record my music, but I just can't seem to get the hang of the program I am using...
Everything I do sounds terrible compared to how it could sound...

One day I am everything - the next I am nothing.
One day I am so full of emotion and glee that I could burst... The very next second.. I'm talking 12:00:01 AM - I am an empty shell.

The Decemberists are a great coping mechanism.

Silverstein seems to understand what I want to say but can't.

Milo O'Milo is me unfiltered.

Milo O'Milo needs so much work.

I mapped out the finances... I have done the research...

I need $2,250.00 in order to accomplish what I need to do.

That is supposed to happen in less than seven weeks...

Seven weeks with no job...

I am trying to take the road less traveled, but that shit is hard, man!

What the hell does Robert Frost have that I don't? - Besides talent, okay, you assholes who leave anon. comments.

I am hopeful that everything will work out.  There is just a lot that needs to happen on my end.

My dad sure knows how to pick 'em.

I hated the smell of fakeness every morning that I woke up.

That woman knows nothing about me; hell, my own mother and father know so little about who I have become.

I am going places.  I am going to make something of myself, and the only one responsible for that is myself.  Yes I have people there and here to help me out and I couldn't do half of what I do without them, but in the end it was me who made it happen.



You wait and see...  You are gonna see this name one day.  You will remember it.

I love you - you know I do.

Lets all go down together, shall we?

I am really something.

I write very catchy songs.

I am working on being a better me.

I am lucky in so many ways.

I can play guitar better than a lot of people that pick it up.

I still have so much to learn both in my art of choice and in the ways of life.

I am centered upon no one or anything.

The only thing really left to do it to find a source of income and let the winds of change either take me deeper down the rabbit hole or push me elsewhere...

I have a fate, and I will meet it head on because I have you.

I am an idiot...

...Did I really just upset the one thing that makes things alright?

I really don't understand what just happened...

I just said that things are better then they have been in a while..

I am on my way to being who I want to be with whom I want to be...

Yet words are twisted and taken the wrong way...

Here we are...

I'm not getting any sleep tonight.

We go a drowning....

It is stupid how things affect me sometimes.

It is like I am the only person left in the world that gives a damn about everyone else no matter who they are.
When is the last time you made a choice that had no benefit towards yourself at all?
Something so selfless; God himself would feel embarrassed to stand next to you.

I only use the term "God" here because it is what most people relate to the ultimate good and justice.

I hate having a heart.
How the hell can I go on like nothing is wrong when the universe is screaming the opposite around me?
The house I live in is still standing...

So what? I am not the only one she fancies... Big surprise there.

I have nothing yet everything.

I hope it was quick... I hope it all ended in the blink of an eye.

Anguish is a damn strong word.
I don't know the true meaning of anguish.

I have lived through some hard times, but I am pampered compared to so many.

One song won't change anything...

Sleep won't find me this night.

My mind is weighed upon so heavily for no reason at all.

I am not sure what it is, but the past couple days I have just felt so sick to my stomach emotionally.  I hate looking in the mirror.  I hate the sound of her voice.  I hate how my mind and heart misbehave and disagree.

What am I doing with my life?

I want to help people... I want to write a song that takes the noose from around a neck...
I want to recite a monologue that brings someone to tears.
I want to save a life if only to trade my own.

I want to be immortal.

I want to be that one person that they are able to tell anything and everything to.

I love honesty yet ignorance is such bliss sometimes.

I have started thinking very strongly about where my life is going, and I really don't have much in mind at this moment in time.

There are many things I would love to say to you, but frankly, Dear, you are too weak to take it.

Have I ever done anything for you?

Tell me please - when was the last time I made you really smile?

You aren't worth it.
She however, is worth anything.
He however, is so lost it isn't even amusing anymore.

Your coffin or mine?

Oh yeah never mind... It is his...  Everything is his..

You see!  This is why we can't have nice things!

I wonder what it is like to be buried alive...  I bet it feels a lot like having your heart broken... No hope in sight or air in your lungs.

I want to break free.

i shvant tue breck freh.

Daylight savings... Psh...

I have so many memories tied to so many songs that I can't even listen to some of my favorite songs without hating myself.

It is over....

You are not who I thought you were are you?
There are so many people that think this is about them...

To be honest you have no idea what I am trying to say.

Hint - this was all about me.  Or was it?

Isn't everything about me?  Doesn't the universe revolve around Michael Cameron Kilby?

Ambition is a fickle bitch.

Today was one of those eye opening days.
I spent the morning completely content just to exist and accomplish nothing all day long.
This, however, was not the plan fate had allotted.

I was greeted mid-day by my dear friend and ex girlfriend Adrianne.  She rang my doorbell.  When I greeted her I could tell something wasn't right.  It wasn't long until there were tears in her eyes and she told me everything that was going on.

One of the biggest thoughts in my head during the entire thing was, "What will Kayla think." Ha...

I spent the rest of the daylight talking to her and I walked her home.

There were so many things said that made so many things so clear for me.

There were also things said that made things even more confusing.

There is something special there though... Most people say guys and girls can't be friends without something sexual in nature happening, but that was disproved today.
Adrianne and I were perfectly fine with just talking... Trusting each other without expecting anything from one another but an ear and an honest opinion.
She has turned out to be one of my best friends.  Perhaps even as close to me as I think that Niel is.

It is so nice to be able to just lay things out with someone - something I have not been able to do lately with the band being so out of touch and no one really to sit with me face to face...
The phone is so impersonal and texts can be horrendously misleading or misjudged.

Kayla is never far from my mind, but there is not a lot I can do about that right now.
I can just sit, wait, and hope.

North Carolina is calling, but California is weeping.

So many things going on while nothing at all seems to be going on.

This is really such a neutral post... Nothing depressing like normal and nothing too awfully cheery and corny.

Though that Kayla Call chick.. Oh man she is hawt-hot-hawt-hot-hot. :)

The song a day is still happening and I couldn't be having a better time with it... I have never felt so artistically empowered.

I hope you all are having wonderful days and weeks.

I wish you all the best.

-Cam

The poison I have placed in others' cups...

...will soon find its way to my own.

I deleted the first half of this blog. A closure long over due.

I am ready for better.

I am going to be better.

I love what I believe to be my future.

SO here is to you and all your conquests.

Live the life that you know you will be proud of!